


Just a Trick of Light

by ProfoundlyInLove



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bartender Bellamy Blake, Best friends Clarke and Octavia, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Grad Student Bellamy Blake, Multi, Past/Present, Singer Clarke Griffin, Social Media, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25059826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfoundlyInLove/pseuds/ProfoundlyInLove
Summary: “We live in a Post-Bellamy world and I must say, Pre-Bellamy was a lot happier. Less money though.” Murphy grunted and grumbled.“Shut up, Murphy!” Raven challenges him.“It’s true! There’s a clear split, it's practically biblical. We could label it BB and AB, before and after Bellamy. It makes perfect sense.”_______________________________________________________________Clarke never wanted to go to college, if she was honest. She only went to please her Mother. But when her Father died, she had the opportunity to pursue her dream of music professionally. One thing that Clarke never considered would be that she would be losing Bellamy in the process. He haunted her music, her dreams, her every thought.But he could never feel the same.Could he?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Octavia Blake/Lincoln, Other Minor Relationships
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanna say all my thanks to @awarrioroflight on tumblr, she let me bounce ideas off her and helped me get this put together for you guys, so really thank them!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re interested, follow me on tumblr for 100 content and fic updates and participate in the convo!
> 
> @edgelessness is meeee

She laid in her bunk quietly. Everyone else on the bus was dead asleep. They’d been driving for hours and had done three shows in three cities in less than 5 days. It was exhausting, and most of them were just here for the fun of it. 

Clarke could never rest easy after a show. Adrenaline would flood her body to keep her standing and left her staring at the photos above her bed for hours before sleep ever claimed her. 

Her fingers traced the faces in the pictures. They were all her favorite people in the world. Some where here on the bus visiting, some where back home, and one was more complicated than the rest. She had the most photos of him. 

Clarke’s fingers landed on a photo from high school graduation. It was Octavia, Raven, and herself in the green robes and caps that O had swore looked terrible on everyone. Their smiles were wide, and Clarke couldn’t help but notice she was staring at the man behind the camera rather than the lense. 

She quickly banished the thought and moved to another photo. Summer vacation with everyone at Monty’s family lake house. They’d spent an entire week swimming, drinking, and spending every second they could together. It was right before Clarke left. 

It wasn’t like she wanted to leave her friends. If she could have followed her dreams in Arkadia, she would have. But with a full time singer-songwriting career it’s impossible to stay anywhere long, even LA was just a crash pad most times. 

Shaking her head, she landed on another picture and her heart twisted in her chest. It was her and Bellamy before her first show at the bar Bellamy worked at, TonDC. He knew she would do amazing. 

These days she was sure he wished she never opened her mouth that night. If she had just kept going to college, maybe he would still speak with her. It had been over a year since the last time he spoke with her. Her heart ached every time she checked her phone and there wasn’t a message from him. They used to talk all the time. He was a best friend. He was everything. 

Clarke coughed, refusing to let her emotions cloud her thinking. Instead she grabbed her phone from beside her and texted Octavia. She always knew what to say. 

_Clarke: Missing you so much. It’s not the same without you._

_Octavia: Jasper and Monty not enough fun for you?_

Clarke snorted. Jasper and Monty were plenty fun, sometimes far too fun. 

_Clarke: Am I not allowed to miss my best friend? Moonshine isn’t a replacement!_

Clarke smiled to herself now, feeling slightly lighter. While waiting for a reply, she switched over to Twitter. Sometimes it was overwhelming, but other times it squashed her boredom. She only followed friends or work colleagues, so it kept drama to a minimum level. 

Her most recent tweet which was written by her manager Roan was promoting her tour, and every time she saw the schedule her heart swelled. The last stop was her hometown. Arkadia. Part of her never wanted to go back, and part of her wanted to get on a plane and go this moment. 

Clarke looked at the time and realized Octavia was likely fast asleep at this point. So instead, she grabbed her notebook from the slot next to her bunk along with a pen. 

She laid back against her pillow as she opened her notebook, watching all the photos above her. They were all her favorite people in the world. Most stayed in Arkadia but would come along with her for a few stops for fun. Only Murphy and Raven came full time. Murphy was head of security while Raven handled all things tech. They were the only constant in her life. Other crew members changed in and out, sometimes so quickly she couldn’t even remember their names. 

Since leaving college it felt like life was changing constantly at a pace she couldn’t keep up with. It was hard to breathe and she couldn’t focus. Everything around her felt like a total blur. 

When she was younger these times were easier. He would talk to her, hold her hand, and breathe with her. But now he doesn’t speak to her, let alone hold her. She couldn’t even remember his voice anymore. It had only been two years since she left and she couldn’t remember his voice. At the same time, if she could remember how he sounded when she told him she signed to Azgeda Records. And she couldn’t handle remembering exactly how he sounded when he spoke. It might be the end of her. 

Clarke tossed the notebook and pen aside, instead reaching under her mattress for the stack of pictures she hid from everyone. The ones the mattered more than the rest. The ones she had no right to keep. 

Her heart warmed at the feel of them in her hands. The first photo was already gleaming up at her like a bright light. It was her and Bellamy on a hike with Octavia and Lincoln. It had been a beautiful day. Not too hot, nor cold. The smile on their faces were so genuine. Clarke hadn’t smiled like that in a long time. She missed smiling like that. 

She flipped to the next picture and she could feel her hands shaking. It was from New Years Eve. Bellamy had kissed her cheek at midnight. Her cheeks were a deep shade of red, and the picture was slightly blurry because Jasper had been laughing so hard while taking the picture. Plus it didn’t help that Jasper was high out of his mind that night. 

Going through the pictures calmed her. It was like an invisible set of arms around her, and in that moment she could pretend she was home. 

On the couch with everyone watching whatever the worst movie they could find, fire place keeping them all warm with blankets all over them all. Raven would complain that Murphy was hogging them all. Lincoln would be silent and let Octavia take as much of the blanket as she pleased. Bellamy would make sure Clarke got enough to be more than comfortable and she would lean against him and listen to his breathing. 

She pretended that the snores she could hear coming from Murphy’s bunk were Bellamy’s. Closing her eyes, she let herself float back to a time that was less heart shattering than now. She never thought living her dream would be so painful. 

Gripping the photos close to her chest, she tried to do deep breathing. But her mind was racing far too fast to even control her breaths. 

“ _How long will I love you? As long as the stars are above you. And longer if I can.”_ Clarke quietly sang to herself, gripping the photos to her chest like they were the only thing keeping her alive. 

_“How long will I need you?”_ She whispered, letting the tears finally roll down her cheeks. 

She flipped over another photo and it was just her and Bellamy. They were sitting on the couch back at the house, her head on his shoulder, both sleeping peacefully. She hadn’t slept that restlessly in a long time. 

Frustrated she flips another photo, and finds her favorite. Bellamy opening his acceptance letter to Arkadia University. He never looked so beautifully happy. She could remember it like it was yesterday. He was sure it was a rejection. Scared of opening it, begging anyone and everyone to do it for him but all were refused. Finally he opened it and it said in bold letters acceptance. 

First he looked at Clarke, then Octavia, and pulled them both into the tightest hug she’d ever gotten. 

It was the day she fell in love with Bellamy Blake. She was only sixteen but she knew. The five year age difference meant nothing to her. She loved him and there was a part of her heart that belonged to him and him alone. And he never even knew it, yet he smashed it into a thousand pieces. 

She didn’t even attempt to put them back together again. She didn’t want to. It wasn’t worth it. 

“Clarke, are you okay?” Murphy grunted from across the small hallway between bunks. His curtain was partly open, watching her with worry in his eyes. It wasn’t often that she saw that soft side of him. As head of security and as Raven called him, “Resident Asshole”, he usually had a seriousness about him. Sarcastic, sure. But he did his job and did it will. 

Quickly she wiped the tears off her cheeks and tossed the photos out of sight behind the rest of her curtain. She didn’t need him to see them. Murphy would probably take them, call it self destructive. Maybe it was but she couldn’t find herself to care. Without the pictures, Clarke was sure she would have lost her mind. Gone off the grid, leave it all behind and just be by herself the rest of her life. That way no one could hurt her, and she couldn’t hurt anyone else. 

She was tired of pain. It felt like a constant weight on her shoulders that refused to budge. 

“Clarke, I know you heard me.” Murphy repeated, looking more awake than the first time she glanced at him. He was sitting up now, his concern seemed to be growing. 

“Just fine, Murphy. Just missing home.” She said quietly. It wasn’t exactly a lie. But home wasn’t a place anymore. 

It was a person. Someone who didn’t even want her. 

Murphy snorted, as if he knew something she didn’t before closing his curtain, leaving her alone again. She rolled her eyes and reached down to pick up the photos again. Her fingers ran across them gently, treating them like priceless treasure. 

Before she could look anymore, her phone started buzzing. Looking over, she could see her mother’s face light up on the screen. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and hit ignore. Speaking with her mother was the last thing she wanted to do. She hated everything she did, spoke, or stood for. Why waste a single breath on a fight she wouldn’t win. 

Instead of looking through more photos, she tucked them back into their safe place. She wasn’t sure she could handle any more at the moment. It was all too perfect and now it was gone. 

She let her eyes drift close as the sun started to shine through the windows of the tour bus. Some sleep was better than none. At least she wasn’t showing up hungover. Roan would kill her for that. Sleep deprived was less worrisome. She was sleep deprived most days, not like today was different. 

* * *

  
  


Bellamy brushed a stray hair out of her face, smiling at her as Octavia held her arm, nearly jumping out of her skin. Her first performance in public. It was exciting and terrifying all at once. If this went horribly, she dropped out of college for nothing. Her mother would be right. That she’d be a failure. 

“Hey, don’t think like that. I can read it on your face, Princess.” Bellamy smiles, squeezing her free arm. “You can do this. I wouldn’t have gotten you the spot if I didn’t think you could do it.”

Clarke smiled at him. He always knew what to say. How to pull her heart into one solid piece, even when all the pieces were running away screaming. 

“Thanks, Bell. For everything.” She grinned, pulling him into a hug so tight that she never wanted to let go. Bellamy didn’t like hugs. But in this moment she didn’t care. 

Wriggling himself out, Bellamy laughed and pushed her back, while pulling Octavia away towards him. “Go kick ass, Clarke. We know you can. And if you can’t, shots are on me.” He joked with a large smile on his face. 

She nodded at him, feeling her heart thud in her chest like a bomb about to go off. She wasn’t even sure if it was because of her first performance in public, or from Bellamy. 

She could feel the hot lights on her skin as she stepped out on the stage with the guitar slung over her shoulder. The crowd didn’t bother her that much. She spent so much time in this bar it was like a second home. 

Clarke looked back at Bellamy who stood backstage, out of sight of the crowd but in perfect view of her. 

She couldn’t see the crowd when she looked back. She just imagined her Dad, and felt Bellamy’s gaze on her back. She was at peace in that moment. 

She strummed the first notes on the guitar and everything melted away. 

  
  


* * *

“Clarke, you need to wake up!” Murphy shouted, shaking her. She grumbled, pulling her blanket over her head, wanting to return to the dream. 

“I swear to God, Clarke, I’ll drag you out. We have to get you set up for tonight's show. We’re already in Boston.” He said sternly. 

Her shoulders slumped, knowing that staying under the covers really wasn’t an option. Roan would punish them all if she didn’t. 

Groaning, she threw the blanket off of her and let Murphy drag her out of the bunk. When her feet his the floor, she realized how much shit she was in. She wasn’t dressed or ready in the slightest. They had to be outside and ready to prep in fifteen minutes. 

Murphy watched as Clarke became a tornado around the tour bus, grabbing anything she could think of. Clothes, bag, makeup to put on in the car while they drove there. She slipped on leggings and the first sweatshirt she found, since she would have to change when they got there anyway. Sliding her feet into flip flops, she was ready to go. 

Murphy chuckled to himself when he saw her finish. He would never say it, no one would, but he knew exactly where that hoodie was from. It said it right on the front. TonDC Bar and Club. He didn’t even want to think about the fact that it said Blake on the back. They all had the sweatshirts back in the day working at the bar. He wasn’t entirely sure why she had his, or how it was still holding together after the years of her wearing it like a second skin. 

“That sweatshirt is probably six sizes too big for you.” Murphy laughed, grabbing her arm to pull her outside to the car. They had no time to waste. They were expected at the venue at ten and it was already 9:50. If he sped, they’d make it. 

“That’s what makes it so comfy.” Clarke retorted, letting them fall into silence. Their time was up. Time to work. Time to pretend life was peachy. 

_Octavia: You’re gonna do great tonight! Send me pictures!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is entirely set in the past, though two separate times of their lives. Thanks again @awarrioroflight
> 
> Also just to clarify this fic is entirely written on mobile, I avoid errors at all times possible but sometimes I do make mistakes, feel free to tell me if you see one!

Clarke placed her bags near the couch of the Blake home. Technically now it was her home for the foreseeable future. Octavia couldn’t afford to live in the dorms, and the house was mere minutes from campus. She’d lead her mother to believe that she would be living on campus with Octavia to keep the peace. But she was eighteen and was already bending most of her life to her mother's will, and refused to live where she didn’t want to live. 

She was already going to college, for something she wanted nothing to do with at that matter, so she should at least be able to choose where she lives. 

Her Dad was the only thing that kept their family from imploding. He kept Abby in line most of the time, and Clarke from completely losing her mind. He supported her dreams. Unfortunately he was traveling for business so often that it was like he was rarely there. So living at home with her mother was not an option in the slightest. 

Living with her best friend seemed like the best possible option. All of their friends tended to congregate there anyway, since the only adult was Bellamy. He tried to keep them on the straight and narrow but he was far from perfect. With only five years on them, it was hard to take everything he said as seriously as a parent. 

“You’re here!” Octavia shouted as she ran down the stairs. Clarke was sure she was going to tumble down them any moment as she watched Octavia skip as many steps as possible to gather Clarke in the tightest hug she could. 

“I can’t breathe!” Clarke managed, though laughing as she hugged her friend back. 

“O! You trying to kill her?” Someone shouted, coming from the kitchen. Clarke recognized it immediately as Bellamy before he even showed his face. She knew his voice anywhere. Her smile grew wider and she was glad Octavia couldn’t see her face. 

Pulling away, Octavia shrugged but refused to wipe the grin off her face. “I am so glad you’re here. It’s official. Roommates! College! This is going to be great!” She said excitedly, words pouring out so quickly that Clarke could barely keep up. 

Without another word, Octavia scooped up the duffel bags that Clarke had brought in before shouting, “Bell! Go grab the rest of Clarke’s stuff from the car! We need a manly man!” Both of them knew that they didn’t need help, but Octavia couldn’t help but push her brother's buttons sometimes. 

“I thought you were all about women power and not needing a man, Octavia?” Bellamy asked as he strode into the living room with them. 

Clarke did everything she could to keep her face straight. He had no shirt on, obviously fresh out of bed in just sweats, messy hair, and stubble. 

“I’m just trying to make you feel useful, don’t worry about it, Big Brother.” Octavia joked as she hauled the two duffels and Clarke up the stairs without another word. Clarke looked over her shoulder and mouthed a silent apology but followed her up the stairs. 

Octavia threw open her bedroom door and the room looked significantly different than the last time she saw it, and that was just last week. 

There was now a bunk bed instead of the double bed she was used to. Two desks rather than one. A dresser that hadn’t always been there. 

“You guys didn’t need to do this-“ Clarke started, but Octavia quickly waved her off. 

“First off, yes we did. You’re going to be here for a while, do you really want to share my bed for me for that long? You know I’m a bed hog.” Octavia smiles, remembering all the sleepovers they’d had over the years. “Secondly, I barely lifted a finger. Bellamy did most of it.”

Clarke couldn’t help but blush. “He shouldn’t have, I’m sure it was expensive and it’s not like I’m not used to you hogging the bed.” She snorted, pushing Octavia’s shoulder lightly in jest. 

She smirked in response, throwing the duffel bags onto the floor before setting to work. 

Clarke was a light packer. There wasn’t much left in her car. Just some books, her guitar and song book, and a photo album. She didn’t feel the need for more. She had plenty of things at her mother's house but none of it felt worth bringing with her. If anything it felt like dead weight. 

“Okay, let’s start putting these clothes away while Bellamy brings the other stuff up. Don’t need him helping put away any underwear.” Octavia snorted as she pulled out a pair of black lace panties. 

Clarke blushed and snatched them from her friend. “Be a good best friend and distract him while I put those away.” She scowled with no true malice behind it. 

Her friend laughed, easily handing over the underwear before leaving the room to keep Bellamy out of their business long enough to hide Clarke’s more personal items. Quickly she stuffed her clothes into the empty dresser, thinking she’d organize it later when the threat of Bellamy Blake walking in at any moment was no longer holding itself over her. 

Now that her clothes were shoved away, she opened the second duffel that was filled with art supplies and gifts from her Dad’s travels. Quietly she arranged the decorations on the empty desk, since the other was already cluttered with Octavia’s things. 

With her trinkets lined up, she started to put away her art supplies in the drawers of the desk. There was just enough space for all of her sketchbooks, paints, brushes, and charcoal. She placed her laptop in the middle of the desk, with her phone next to it. 

It already felt like home. 

The door opened wide as both siblings walked back in. Bellamy was carrying the most while Octavia held her song book and photo album. She knew how important and private they were and appreciated that she kept them safe. Even if it was just from Bellamy. 

“Well, Princess, looks like you’re all but set up here.” Bellamy said as he put down the box holding her books and her guitar case. 

She couldn’t help but smile, “Thank you, really. You didn’t have to do this. What day do you need rent?” She asked. 

Both of the siblings looked shocked and offended. 

“Are you out of your mind?” Octavia shouted just as Bellamy swore, “There’s no way in hell I’ll take any of your money, Clarke.”

Clarke looked at them both pointedly, crossing her arms over her chest. She wasn’t going to live here for free, especially after they bought and put together furniture for her. 

“What if I paid for groceries?” Clarke questioned, hoping they would cave. 

“With what? Your mom's money? God no.” Bellamy groaned, running his hand through his sweaty hair. 

“No! I already have a job line up at the testing center on campus. My income, my choice. Let me pay for groceries at least!” She pleaded, giving them her signature pouting blue eyes that always made Bellamy melt and Octavia cave. 

“Fine. But don’t you dare spend your whole paycheck or I won’t let you buy another thing again.” Bellamy promised, before turning on his heel to leave the girl’s to their space. 

It was weird but exhilarating thinking of it as their space. She spent more time at the Blake house than her own, but this was the first time she could truly call it home. It was freeing. 

No more dealing with her mother breathing down her neck, berating her, threatening to cut her off the second Clarke mentions doing something that Abby doesn’t like. It’s not that Clarke cares about money, she just wants to keep the peace. Things are bad enough at home without Clarke going completely against Abby. Her parents fought anytime her Dad was home. He wanted their daughter to follow her dreams, no matter how impractical. He wanted her to be strong, independent, and free. Abby wanted her to choose the safe, logical path even if Clarke hated every second of it. Abby cared about appearances, while Clarke and her father never did. They were polar opposites. 

Making the fact that she overheard them talking about divorce completely unsurprising. 

Here in this house she could start over. Be herself. The Clarke Griffin she could only dream of being. Even if she couldn’t do that at school or anywhere else really, she could be free here. 

She took a deep breath and the air was practically intoxicating. 

Freedom. 

Steadying herself for a moment, Clarke returned to putting her things away while Octavia climbed onto the top bunk where her bedding was already laid out. Clarke couldn’t help but notice that there was fresh bedding on the bottom bunk as well. It was beautiful. A soft green with vines and leaves of greens and blues and purples. It was soft to the touch. 

“Did you pick this out?” Clarke asked, as she took her guitar out of its case and leaned it against the wall next to the bed so that it wasn’t far from reach. 

“Nah, Bell picked most of everything out. He’s a nester, and wants you to feel at home. I only picked out one thing.” Octavia said nonchalantly. 

Clarke looked around the room curiously. Which part did she pick?

Her friend laughed at her confusion before tossing her a key, and Clarke barely managed to catch it. 

“Under the bed, there’s a firebox. Can only be opened with that key. Figured you’d want somewhere to keep your song book.” Octavia said with a smile. She knew how protective Clarke was over the book. It was practically a diary. Pouring out every emotion and thought that came across her brain. 

It wasn’t that Octavia had never heard or seen songs from the book, but some were far more personal than others and Octavia knew that it wasn’t a boundary that was worth pushing. 

Clarke smiled as she pulled the box out from under the bed. It didn’t look like she had expected. It was painted all over, beautifully. The sky and stars with silhouettes of trees and something far in the distance that Clarke couldn’t make out. 

“Thank you, O, really. It’s perfect. Who painted it?” She asked, brushing her fingers over it in amazement. 

“No one you know, just appreciate it!” She said far too cheerily, and Clarke knew she was hiding whoever painted it. That meant two things, it was a boy, and she liked him. Liked him enough to keep him far away from Bellamy until she was sure he might go ballistic. 

Knowing better than to push the subject, Clarke just smiled brightly at her friend, “Thanks, Octavia.”

Octavia laughed to herself, “It’s what sisters are for, don’t get sappy on me.”

_Sisters._

Clarke couldn’t help the smile crawling across her face as her heart warmed. She never really felt alone even growing up with Abby and her Dad gone all the time. The Blake’s had loved and taken care of her for years. But to hear that Octavia felt that they were family felt like a missing puzzle piece. 

They were her family. And she wasn’t going to ruin that for anything. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


The Dropship was busier than most nights. Finals had just ended and it seemed that everyone needed to unwind just as badly as they did. This bar was the only one that didn’t care much for IDs in the area, and most of them were still only twenty. Though it didn’t matter much for Jasper and Monty who had hotboxed in their car on the way here. 

“If I get Wick as a lab partner again next semester, I might kill him, I better get a good lawyer,” Raven swore as she took a deep drink from her beer, irritation clear on her face. 

“If the professor gave you Wick, I’m sure he’d be arrested as an accomplice!” Octavia joked, her face red and she was unsteady in her chair. Lincoln had his hand on her back to keep her steady, and had silently switched her shots of vodka to water but she hadn’t seemed to notice. 

“I could take him out, the dude wouldn’t see it coming,” Murphy snarked before downing another shot of whiskey. 

“Of course, Murphy the Hit Man. Coming to theatres soon.” Clarke laughed, jabbing him in the ribs lightly. She could see the small smirk on his face and she couldn’t help but smile. Murphy was always someone who was hard to crack, let alone the type of person to let anyone in. It had taken months of badgering for him to even consider coming out with them, let alone being friends. Now she couldn’t imagine a night without him. 

“I’ll have you know that I can fuck you up, Miss Blackbelt.” Murphy said, looking pointedly at Clarke, his smile giving him away from his empty threat. 

“Bring it on, Murphy.” Clarke laughed, leaning lightly onto his shoulder. Everything felt heavy. It was nearly midnight and they’d been here since nine. Plus it had been finals week. She was exhausted and ready for winter break. Quiet time at home with her family. 

Octavia and her were going to do as little as humanly possible. Bellamy would still be working during winter break but was taking Christmas and New Years Eve off. So it was just the two of them and she was ready for a long Netflix binge and hours of laying in bed. Her Dad would be out of town still for most of the break but was planning to come see Clarke for a few hours on Christmas. 

Abby wasn’t happy that Clarke was staying at the “dorms” for the holidays but she couldn’t bear the idea of a holiday without her dad in the house. It would just be charity events for her work, playing dress up, and schmoozing people for a career she didn’t even want. Instead, she told Abby that she had to work at the dorms while people were gone since the testing center would be closed. It was partially true. The testing center was closed during break. But she rarely stepped foot in the dorms, let alone worked in them. Abby worked so much that she would never know the difference of where she lived. 

Octavia’s phone started ringing on the table and a picture of Bellamy flashed across it. It was an extremely unflattering picture of him, looking like a drunk librarian. 

“Nobody let her answer that, she’s way too plastered to talk to Bellamy alone.” Jasper nearly shouted. Lincoln held Octavia’s arms down and she fought back rather weakly with a pout. 

Harper, probably the most sober of them all, reached out and grabbed the phone instead. 

“Hey Bellamy, It’s Harper. What’s up?” She asked innocently. Everyone knew that Bellamy didn’t care that they came to the Dropship, but he was likely worried about the time. 

“ _I’m outside. Figured you needed a designated driver since you were supposed to leave an hour ago.”_ Clarke could hear him snort and she could feel butterflies in her stomach. It was embarrassing. Sometimes even the thought of him could make her heart flutter. She had to squash those feelings into the darkest corner of her mind. She could never do that to Octavia, and if things went badly it could ruin her family and it’s the last thing she wanted. Plus, there was no chance that he felt the same way, so feeling for him meant nothing. She’d even liked his last girlfriend, Gina. But it hadn’t lasted long. 

“That would be amazing, thanks Bellamy. We’ll pay and meet you outside in just a few minutes.” Harper said cheerily before hanging up. A serious look crossed her face instantly.

“What do you mean pay? We already paid?” Monty asked. Harper waved him off with a smile on her face. 

“Clarke, take Octavia to the bathroom and try and make her look less like a hot mess. Lincoln, help her. Jasper, go ask the bar if they have any air freshener. You and Monty wreak of weed and I think Raven has alcohol seeping out of her pores.” Harper ordered, and they all dispersed without a thought. 

Raven followed the bathroom team to clean herself up. Harper was right, she was goner. And if there was no air freshener, at least a splash of water could help. Water would do nothing to make Jasper and Monty smell any better. 

Lincoln pushed open the door to the women’s room, ignoring the fact that he didn’t belong there, as he helped Octavia walk through. Clarke was on her other side, keeping her steady. 

They all went up to the sinks, thankfully the bathroom was empty. Clarke turned on the water, cold as she could get it to run. “Okay, O, time to get it together. Bellamy is outside and you have to _seem_ at least a little more sober.” Clarke smiled, pushing Octavia’s hair out of her face as Lincoln steadied her. 

“Game time.” Octavia laughed before leaning over the sink to splash the water in her face. Clarke had never been so happy that Octavia wasn’t a huge makeup person because anyone else would have mascara dripping down their face and look like they were straight out of a breakup movie. 

Octavia held her mouth under the water for a moment to swish it around, to help kill the smell and taste of alcohol that lingered. 

When everyone was finished, Clarke and Lincoln helped guide Octavia out of the bathroom with Raven in tow as they made their way back to the table to meet with everyone else and grab anything left behind. 

Everyone was already there by the time they made it. Clarke could see Monty and Jasper spraying themselves down with “Hawaiian breeze” scented air freshener and she couldn’t help but wonder why it was named after Hawaii of all places. Harper was holding all the purses and Octavia’s phone. 

“Okay, Raven, take a spray and let’s go!” She said, her smile wide and genuine. Monty looked at Raven with a grin as he held the bottle up. He looked like an eager toddler in that moment. 

Clarke took her purse as well as Octavia’s things as they all set out to leave. Bellamy's car was right in view, parked in front of the dingy bar. 

Bellamy was sitting on the hood of his car with a smirk on his face. He looked exhausted, probably having just gotten off work since he was still wearing his TonDC sweatshirt and dark jeans. He crossed his arms over his chest, mockingly staring at them as if he was a disappointed parent. In that moment, the five year age difference felt like a blimp in time. 

Her heart felt far too heavy and all she wanted was to wrap her arms around him and tell him she missed him. It was the alcohol talking. 

Instead she smiled at Bellamy and went to help Octavia into the car without a word as Harper spoke with him. Everyone was piling into the car. Thankfully Bellamy drove his mother's old minivan, not wanting to spend money on a new car when he had one that was perfectly usable and cost him nothing. Jasper, Monty, Murphy, and Harper squeezed themselves into the back seat, while Lincoln and Octavia pressed together to make room for Raven in the middle row. Leaving Clarke in the passenger seat next to Bellamy. 

He smelled like sandalwood and pine, and it was more intoxicating than the moonshine she’d been drinking. 

The drive was quiet and most of them had fallen asleep to the quiet sound of the wheels against pavement. She could hear Murphy snoring, see drool dripping from Monty’s mouth to Harper’s shoulder but she seemed to be resting peacefully with a smile on her face. 

“Have a good night, Princess?” Bellamy whispered, stealing a glance at her before looking back to the road. She swore there was a light smile on his face but she couldn’t be sure. 

“Good. We had fun. Glad for finals to be over.” She responded, smiling at him. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Analyzing him. The way his hair clung to his forehead from sweat, probably from working. How steady his breathing was, as reliable as waves crashing against the sand. It was one of the most calming things she ever heard. 

The drive to their house felt like it went by in seconds. People were dragging themselves from the van, barely awake and in some cases genuinely asleep as they’re being carried. Namely Octavia and Raven. 

Everyone piled into the house, finding the most comfortable place they can to sleep. Murphy snagged the recliner, while Lincoln carried Octavia up to her bed where he planned on sleeping on the floor. Bellamy set Raven down on the couch and pulled a throw blanket over her. Monty and Harper learned against each other with their backs to the soft front of the couch, with Jasper using their laps as a pillow. 

Clarke wasn’t quite sure what to do at that moment. She felt restless, not ready to go lay down. Especially since Lincoln was trying to settle Octavia into bed. 

When he finished tucking in Raven, Bellamy turned back to her and smiled. “Not tired yet? I thought a week of cramming would have knocked you out by now.” He said softly. 

She smiled, “Not yet. Just antsy. And my stomach is not happy with that moonshine.” Clarke chuckled as she put her hand on her stomach. 

He smirked back at her and jerked his head to say _follow me._

Bellamy started walking into the kitchen with Clarke following. She was nervous and she couldn’t put a pin in why. 

Without a word, Bellamy started pulling out Clarke’s favorite mug, milk, and hot coco powder. Suddenly she was smiling. He always made the best hot chocolate. She never understood why his was so much better considering she followed all of his instructions, yet it never was quite as good. 

“You’ll feel like trash if you don’t get something in your stomach besides moonshine.” He explained, turning on the stove top to start heating the milk. While waiting, he went to another cabinet, the one that they kept medication in. Without a second thought he pulled out two Advil and handed them to her. 

“This will help too, Princess.” He promised before wordlessly returning to making hot chocolate. 

Clarke slid into the stool that sat at the small kitchen island that they used as a kitchen table. She swallowed the pills without a drink, just forcing them down. 

She watched him work in silence. Adding the powder to the heated milk, whisking it together. His sweatshirt hung loosely on his frame, and said “Blake” between the shoulder blades. Their uniform always looked so comfortable. The testing center was an easy job with no uniform, but she liked the way his looked on him. Her boss didn’t care if she wore pajamas and brought a blanket to work to use behind her desk. 

Bellamy poured the hot liquid into the dark blue mug and handed it to her across the island. As the liquid heated the mug, it showed constellations across it. She got it from Bellamy for Christmas years ago. 

Happily, she accepted and held the warm mug in her hands. 

“So what’s the plan for break?” Bellamy asked, finally settling into his usual stool on the far end, leaving the place where Octavia usually sat between them empty. 

Clarke snorted, smiling at him. “Bad food, bad movies, and as much sleep as the human body can handle. Octavia and I are going to live our best lives.”

“Of course you are.” Bellamy laughed, watching her as she sipped carefully at her drink. Her body language was all off. Stress was dripping off of her, more than usual. 

“You know, I haven’t heard you play in ages now. How come?” He prodded gently, still not letting his eyes off her. 

Clarke shifted uncomfortably. It was true. She hadn’t been playing much recently. Any song she wrote was too raw and emotional, and she couldn’t bear to let anyone hear them. Plus pre-med didn’t leave much time for things meant for enjoyment. 

“School and work keeps me busy, you should know how that is.” She lightly teased. Bellamy was in his first year of grad school this year and working full time at TonDC bar and club. A place that they _definitely_ couldn’t manage a fake ID with. 

He studied her for what felt like forever, and she couldn’t help but shift under his gaze. It made her nervous. And she was just drunk enough to say something she’d regret if he didn’t stop looking at her like that. 

“Play me something?” He asked, almost sheepishly. His fingers were tangled in his hair, leaning against the counter, probably the only reason he could keep his eyes open at this point. 

“I’ll have you know I have a strict ‘no singing while drunk’ rule, Blake.” Clarke joked, sipping her drink. She didn’t know if she could do it. Her music was her way of releasing her soul into the world and she wasn’t sure she wanted him to see every side of it. 

“If this is drunk, then I think Octavia must be in the grave.” Bellamy retorted with a smirk. They were never as sneaky as they thought they were. 

“Fine. One and only one.” She caved, taking a deep drink of her hot chocolate as if it would give her courage. Clarke could see the smile spread across Bellamy’s face and it was infectious. 

“I’ll grab your guitar, I’ll meet you in my room so we don’t bother anyone.” He said quickly, and before she could blink he was gone. 

His room? 

This was feeling more and more like a bad idea every second. She could feel her heart beating in her throat. Clarke forced herself to breathe. It was just a song. She could sing Barney if she wanted, he never specified what she had to play. 

After rationalizing every panicked thought, she took one last drink of her hot chocolate before following him up the stairs. She passed her open bedroom door and could see Octavia peacefully sleeping on the bottom bunk. It was probably too difficult to get her into the top bunk. And Lincoln was on the floor beside her with one arm thrown up onto the bed to hold on to her as she slept. Her heart melted at the scene. 

Looking back down the hallway she could see the master bedroom door open. Bellamy’s room. It used to be his mom's room before she died seven years ago. He was eighteen and suddenly had to raise a thirteen year old, pay all the bills, and keep them all afloat. Clarke couldn’t have done it. She has no idea how he did, let alone how he did so well. Managing to go to college, even if it was late and took longer than most. Never missing a bill. Paying for the small things that Octavia’s scholarship doesn’t cover. 

Clarke pushed the door open a little wider and she could see Bellamy sitting on his bed, fiddling with the guitar. Strumming it lightly, testing the waters. She couldn’t help but smile. 

Bellamy looked up and blushed just a little before holding out the guitar for her, “So what are you going to play for me, Princess?”

She took hold of the guitar gently before settling in next to him at the edge of the bed. 

“As you always love to say, whatever the hell I want.” Clarke laughed, bringing a bright genuine smile to his face. She had butterflies in her stomach and she wasn’t sure if it was from being nervous or because she gave him that smile. 

Bellamy mock bowed and laid back, giving her space to do her thing. He closed his eyes to listen. For that, she was thankful. 

Clarke took a minute to think. She had no idea what to play. 

Before she could even start to think, her fingers were moving without her permission. She was singing and her mind couldn’t even process the words coming out of her mouth. It felt so natural. Sitting here with him in the dark, playing him music, comfortable and free. 

_“Take my hand in the middle of a crisis. Pull me close, show me, baby, where the light is. I was scared of a heart I couldn't silence. But you make me, you make me feel good. I like—“_ Suddenly stopping midway through the song. It was too much. It was too real. Her mouth felt dry and her fingers couldn’t move. 

She looked over to Bellamy and he was still laying there quietly, hands behind his head in a comfortable position. There was a smile on his face and he looked at peace. He wasn’t weirded out, crisis averted, she told herself. 

“I think the alcohol is getting to me. My head is pounding.” She said, trailing off, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. 

Without opening his eyes, his body language changed slightly to something completely unrecognizable. “I’ll grab you some water, the Advil should help soon. Drink your water and get to bed. Okay?” 

Clarke nodded, quickly gathering her guitar and making her escape back down the hall to her room. She could hear him walking around, presumably getting water. She climbed the ladder of the bunk bed and got settled into Octavia’s bed. She could feel a candy wrapper inside the pillow case and couldn’t help but chuckle quietly to herself. 

She pulled the blanket over her like it was armor. Nothing could touch her there. 

Within another minute the door creaked open and she could see Bellamy holding a glass of water. Clarke sat up and he passed it up to her with a nod. 

“Feel better, and sleep well Princess.”

There was no chance she would sleep well. But all the alcohol lulled her to a restless sleep anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I ordered a new computer and it should take about a week (maximum two) to arrive. I will write as much as I can until then but I don’t expect to update until I’m writing on a computer again. It’s painful to type so much on a phone! Haha. So see you soon!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke interviews with Ark News Late Night Show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I probably wouldn’t update until my computer came so I could stop writing on my phone but here I am y’all I can’t stop myself what can I say?

“Today we’re joined by a very special guest. Up and coming singer and songwriter, Clarke Griffin!” Marcus Kane announced, staring straight at the camera. The studio lights felt hot and she was sure that the layers of makeup they’d plastered on her face were going to melt off. 

She smiled nervously and gave a small wave, wiggling in her seat. Painfully aware of how short her dress was, and how uncomfortable the shoes were. At least in twenty minutes this would be over. It would live eternally in live tv and the internet, but at least she wouldn’t be sitting here anymore. 

“So, Clarke, what’s it like to go from a small town girl to a chart topper?” Kane asked, not looking particularly interested if she was honest. 

“Oh you know, typical story. Sing in a bar and suddenly my whole world is different.” She chuckled, though she felt the pang in her chest that was always there when she thought of him. 

“I have to admit, I’ve always wondered. Your first album did exceptional as per usual. But the theme is very different from your newest album. From true love to heartbreak. Is it personal experience? Trouble in paradise?” He pushed, leaning forward, interest finally taking hold. 

Clarke froze and her eyes immediately searched for Murphy behind the camera, and saw Raven next to him. They both looked reassuring, and Raven motioned for her to breathe while Murphy plastered a large fake smile on his face. 

“Well, yes and no. I haven’t dated in years. No time at all. But all the songs are about the same person. We never dated, though.” Clarke answered, feeling diplomatic. Just enough information to keep Roan happy but not enough to put her entire life out there. She had very little personal social media presence so it was genuinely impossible for them to figure out who she was speaking of. Her Twitter was all business and she had a private Instagram that she only allowed close friends to view. And there were no pictures of him on it, despite that breaking her heart. 

But it wasn’t like he was around to take pictures with anymore, anyway. 

“Not a single date in years?” He questioned, looking curious. 

She laughed nervously, her fingers playing with the hem of her skirt. This was not what she wanted to talk about. This was supposed to be about upcoming music and her current tour. Not her love life, or rather lack of one.

“You’re one of the top love song writers, and heartbreak writers of our time and you’re telling me you haven’t dated in years and all the songs are about someone you never dated?” Kane asked again, more aggressively and interested. This was the kind of story he was dying for. This is what got people watching. 

“Uh, yes?” She said, though it came out like a question. 

“Have you ever dated at all?” He prodded. 

She blanched and her mouth felt dry. She quickly reached for the water bottle in front of her and took a deep gulp. 

“Nothing serious. Young teen love. Nothing after sixteen.” She answered honestly, despite wanting to leap from her seat and run from the interview at full force. 

“Well whoever inspired your music must be quite the man. You’ve hit number one with over a dozen songs in just two albums. It’s raw talent.” He complimented, finally letting Clarke feel a slight ease. 

“Clarke Griffin will be on tour the rest of this summer, make sure to get your tickets while you can! After the commercial break, Clarke will be performing her current number one hit ‘ _ Force of Nature’  _ right here on our stage!” Kane said excitedly. Within moments the atmosphere changed. Kane relaxed as the camera stopped rolling, and her heart was no longer in her throat. She hated when they talked about her private life. Clarke kept it private for a reason. 

It was far too painful to deal with. Brought up some of the happiest most heartbreaking moments of her life. It was funny how the most beautiful moments hurt more than the cruelest. 

Abby put her through hell, especially after her Dad died. Without him holding them together, there was nothing left. Putting him in the ground crushed a piece of her heart, leaving her with a hole in her chest. 

Then Bellamy Blake took the rest of her heart and crushed it all himself, leaving her with nothing, and yet all she wanted was him. Sometimes she hated herself for it. 

Without missing a beat, hair and makeup whisked her away from the stage for the fastest costume change in history. Her outfit went from chic and fashion forward to more natural, more herself. They let her hair fall down naturally and started changing her makeup to a more casual look. More on brand, as Roan would put it. He always said that her music was “Girl Next Door” material and they needed to maintain that image while performing. At least it still felt true to self. The clothes in interviews and conventions always felt like a costume. Pretending to be someone she wasn’t. 

There was a knock on the door as they worked. “Come in!” One shouted and they rearranged her hair into a natural mess of curls. They were growing back after a very angry time of chopping off a large chunk of hair to her above her shoulders, but it was still shorter than it used to be. They always say to not cut your hair while you’re upset, but here she was. 

“Hello, Clarke.” Kane said as he entered the room. He looked considerably more relaxed, just as she was. Cameras tended to do that to people. 

“Kane, what’s up?” She said, trying to remain still as the two women worked. There was no reason to make their day any harder. These few minutes were precious for them. 

“I want to talk. That’s all. Completely off record, and I’ll never mention a  _ thing _ publicly.” He started, “You seem like a young woman in a tremendous amount of pain. Your music speaks a story. I’ve listened to it all, actually. I’m actually worried about you.” 

Clarke stilled in that moment. Her hands were gripping the arms of the chair she sat in as if it were the only thing holding her in Earth's gravity. 

“I’m sure you think you understand, Kane, but you really don’t.” She said. Clarke’s voice was shaking, and her heart felt like it might turn to dust inside of her chest. 

“I loved once and never loved again. I don’t know your story. But if you said the truth on the stage, I understand better than you know.” 

Clarke whipped her head to face him, breaking the women’s focus. Thankfully they were all but done. 

“I promise you don’t understand, Kane. I was in total love with a man for five years. He was my home. My family. He broke my heart and now two years later I still hold our pictures in my hands and cry like it was yesterday.” She snapped, feeling tears welling in her eyes, yet she refused to let them fall. It would ruin the women’s job and make her incredibly late for her performance which would just piss off Roan. She didn’t have the energy to deal with that tonight. He was like an older brother but he could be overwhelming at times. 

Kane’s face softened as he watched her. He almost reminded her of her Dad in that moment. The idea made her feel nauseous. 

“It’s not too late to fix it, you know.” He replied calmly. “I can’t fix it with my wife. She’s gone now. Your love is still alive. There’s still time. Sing every word like you’re signing just for him.” 

“That’s never done anything before.” She said remorsefully. 

Kane smiled, “This time will be different. Trust me. You’re going to sing the words you’ve always wanted to tonight.” 

“What does that even mean?” She questioned. 

Without another word he left the room, and she could see Murphy at the door as he left.

Now discovered, he strolled in casually and leaned against the vanity in front of her and waved off the makeup and hair artists with a smile. 

He looked so nonchalant in that moment. Yet his energy was anything but. Murphy stared, waiting for her to speak first and yet she couldn’t find the strength. Instead she looked back at him in total silence. She knew he heard things that he was never meant to. 

Murphy sighed, running his hand back through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated with her. 

“You’re a masochist, you know that?”

She smirked. She’d called that one many times. It was probably one of the very true statements about her that never made it on some tabloids page. 

“Well aware, Murphy. Don’t you dare take my photos or I’ll fire you. I promise.” Clarke responded darkly, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“I won’t, but I know you wouldn’t fire me, even if I did.” His smirk made her want to push him but instead she just nodded, knowing he was completely right. 

In a few short months she’d be back in Arkadia again. The town is filled with ghost memories and heartbreak. There was no way to change the contract now. It was her last stop and there was no way out of it. She still had people who loved her there, but without him, the whole city felt dark. Like the sun no longer shined over it. 

“Anyway, time to go, Princess. They need you on stage.” Murphy said, reaching his hand out to help her stand, her legs felt like jello underneath her. 

“Like Octavia likes to say, it’s Game time.” Clarke said with a hollow smile. She carefully wiped at her eyes, brightened her face, and let Murphy lead her out to the stage. 

Things were already bustling. Moving faster than she could comprehend. There was a piano on the stage. She did guitar and there was none in sight. 

A producer spotted her and pointed her to the piano and instructed her to sit. Without a moment to process, she did as she was told. As she sat, Kane stood on the stage right where his marker was. 

They were live. She couldn’t breathe. 

“Welcome back to Ark News Late Night with Marcus Kane. We have Clarke Griffin here performing. There’s been a slight change.” 

Her breathing hitched. Is this what he’d meant? What did he know?

“Clarke is going to be sharing one of her first recorded songs that never was released!”

_ No. No.  _

She wasn’t sure how long she stopped breathing but it was long enough to feel dizzy when she finally drew another breath. He was forcing her hand. How did he know about the song? 

“Here is Clarke Griffin with Salvation!” 

Everything felt cloudy. Her mouth was dry. Was this a dream? It had to be. There was no way he knew about that song. 

Clarke could feel the cameras zoom in on her. She couldn’t say nothing. This was her last chance. 

“I wrote this for an old friend. I hope he can hear me.” She said quietly, letting the gravity of her words settle on her. There was never a chance to go back. Once Kane changed the song, it was impossible. But now that she spoke, it was like her world imploded around her and no one could tell. 

Instead of thinking for another moment, she started to play the keys with grace. She hadn't played piano in a long time. After her dad died, she couldn’t bring herself to. He was who taught her. Ignited her love of music. 

In front of the stage she could see Murphy clearly. His hand was over his mouth and she couldn’t read him at all. But further back she could see Raven with a headset on, her jaw slacked in shock. She was the only person in the world who knew how deep her love for Bellamy ran. She couldn’t bear to tell O and let it tear them apart. Raven was who helped put her back together after leaving for LA. Murphy helped with limited information, but Raven knew it all. 

She realized Murphy knew a good amount now, too. In that moment she felt more vulnerable than ever before. Like being naked in front of millions. 

_ “You are the avalanche, one world away.”  _ Her voice broke slightly at the first note, but she quickly recovered. She refused to break down on national television. 

_ “Just a trick of light, to bring me back around again.”  _ Roan always wanted to release this song. Said it was one of her absolute best. But the words broke her heart every time she sang them and couldn’t imagine singing them for the world to hear, let alone on a platform that  _ he _ could see. 

The lights were dimming around her, obviously for dramatic effect. It felt too real to be a dream. She couldn’t deny it. This was happening and she couldn’t stop it. She couldn’t run if she wanted to. 

_ “I never meant to fall for you but I… was buried underneath and all I could see was white. My salvation, my my.” _

As the song continued on, the lights only continued to dim until it was total darkness as it ended. For that she was thankful. No one could see the tears she was holding in, or the pain threatening to cripple her. 

When the lights returned, the cameras were directed at Kane off to the side completely out of view of Clarke. 

“You heard it here first. Thank Clarke Griffin for being here tonight. This is Marcus Kane, and I’ll see you again tomorrow night.”

Once they yelled cut and filming stopped, Clarke felt like she could kill. Pain turning to rage. She stood from the piano bench so quickly that it flipped behind her. Clarke could feel the stares and no one moved an inch. 

“How  _ fucking  _ dare you!” She yelled, practically running up to Kane. In her peripheral Clarke could see Murphy on the move, probably trying to keep her out of jail. 

Kane didn’t move an inch as she got into his space. She was small compared to him, but it didn’t mean she was a frail flower. She was an unexpected poison. 

“You had no right! How did you even know about that song!” She screamed, jabbing her finger against his chest accusingly. 

Clarke could feel arms around her, pulling her back but not much. 

“Calm down, Clarke. You gotta calm down.” Murphy whispered, using all his strength to hold her back as she fought. Eventually she melted back, crumpling into him. All the pain hit her like a wave dragging her down deep into the depths of the ocean, darkness seemingly overcoming her. She could hear herself crack out a sob, but she couldn’t hear it. 

Murphy was hushing her, lowering her down to the ground so she didn’t have to hold herself up anymore. He didn’t lighten his grip, trying to be her rock. He knew there was no way he could replace Bellamy in that moment but it was the best he could do for her. 

Bellamy was like a brother to him. Clarke was like a sister. He knew Bellamy felt like Murphy was choosing her side by working for her, but it wasn’t like that at all. 

There were no damn sides. Just broken hearts. 

When her breathing finally calmed, Clarke opened her eyes and could see Kane crouching in front of her. His expression was of concern, not anger at her outburst or subsequent breakdown. 

“I know you’re mad, and rightfully so. But meet me in my office when you feel ready, but before you go. Again I ask you to trust me, even though I’m sure you can’t help but not. But please try.” He said empathetically, putting a hand on her knee before leaving her. 

Clarke could feel Murphy’s arms loosen around her, but he still didn’t let go. 

She closed her eyes again and listened to his breathing. It was so easy to pretend he was Bellamy. It was selfish. But it brought her some peace. 

Her phone was already buzzing in her pocket, seemingly blowing up from notifications. She couldn’t find the strength to care. 

When her eyes opened again, Raven was there. She still looked just as shocked as the last time Clarke saw her face. 

“I can’t believe you did it.” Raven whispered, her hand on Clarke’s knee where Kane’s hand had been just moments before. This time around it was a comfort. 

“I wish I hadn’t.” Clarke responded, sounding dark. 

“I’m glad you did.” Murphy grunted, still loosening his grip but not letting go. She could hold herself up physically but he wasn’t sure about emotionally. 

“Maybe it’ll give you some peace.” Raven suggested with a small shrug. 

“Maybe Octavia will hate me forever if she realizes I’m talking about her brother. If she hates me, forget ever going back to Arkadia for me.” She grumbled. 

“You’re an idiot, Griffin.” Murphy snarked, finally letting her go, still leaning against her. 

“If you think O is going to hate you for loving her brother, you’re a gigantic idiot. You know I love you but don’t be stupid. She’s a grown ass adult and is getting married next year. Do you really think she’ll freak out if her best friend loves her brother? It’s not high school anymore.” Murphy ranted, looking her dead in the eyes with a glaring seriousness. 

“I never wanted to lose my family over loving him. And I lost him anyway. I can’t risk losing her too.” She whimpered. She didn’t feel strong. All she wanted to do was melt into the floor and never be seen again. 

She couldn’t help but wish she’d never sang in TonDC that night. Maybe life would be better. Being a doctor couldn’t be that awful. Help people. Have her family back. Have her home back. She could deal with hating her job if that’s what it took. 

But she can’t turn back time. 

“You guys get everything packed up to go. I want to see Kane before we go. I promise I won’t attack him, Murphy.” She said, lightly accusing him of worrying too much. 

Murphy groaned in disagreement but finally stood to go get ready for their departure. They had to be at the airport in two hours to get back on time for the next concert in New York City. 

Raven stayed still, “Are you sure you want to talk to him?” 

Clarke nodded. “I need to know how he knew about the song. I want to know what he knows.” 

Raven smiled sadly at her but understood. Clarke didn’t trust easily these days. She never really did, but now she had even more reason not to. 

Returning the smile, Clarke finally gathered herself and stood to find Kane. 

The studio was mostly a maze but finding his office wasn’t the hardest task. She was sure finding her way out would be the harder part. So when she finally stood at the door, she knocked quietly. Part of her hoped he couldn’t hear it and wouldn’t open. 

Of course that hope died when the door flew open. 

Kane was giving her a true smile, with a deep sadness behind it. “Come in, Clarke. Let’s talk.”

The office was simple. Had a very relaxed vibe to it, with a small tree taking residence on his desk. It almost had a zen feel to it. 

Instead of sitting at the desk, Kane sat on the far end of the couch and left enough room for her to sit on the other side with plenty of space between them. 

They sat in complete silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t an awkward silence. More like the calm before a storm was about to come. 

“How did you know about my song?” She asked with false confidence, breaking the quiet. 

“I have connections with your recording studio and called in a favor.” He admitted. 

“Why do you even care what I write?” She asked. “To get some exclusive scoop? I don’t get it.” Her voice grew more angry. 

“I already promised you Clarke. Off the record, never for the public and I mean that now as well. Anything you say will never be heard by anyone else.” He promised. 

He looked so genuine. There were red flags flying up in her head but she couldn’t shake this feeling that she should trust him. Kane reminded her far too much of her dad in that moment. It was overwhelming. 

“Then why do you care?” She asked. Her anger was dying. Clarke couldn’t maintain it. Sometimes anger was the only thing that kept her breathing. 

“I used to be a friend of your parents. A long time ago. Your father was a good man. Your mother… she never deserved him. When he was sick he asked me to look out for you, Clarke. He always knew you’d follow your dream, one day or another. And here you are.” He said with a smile. He looked like a mess of emotions. Proud, devastated, grieving, and hopeful all at once. 

Clarke stayed silent, processing everything. 

“I always thought this was my dream.” Clarke admitted with a shrug. 

“Isn’t it?” Kane questioned, looking more serious now. He crossed his leg and held his hand against his face and beard. 

“I mean… Partially. But I wanted him to be a part of it with me.” She said, hating every word that came out of her mouth. Yet in that moment she felt safe. Almost like she was in a therapist's office like she’d done many times before. 

“The same him who broke your heart, right?” Kane asked. He was empathetic to her feelings. That much she could tell. Maybe he understood better than she knew. 

“Bellamy. He was my everything. My best friend's older brother. And yet I fell in love with him. I did everything I could not to. But it happened. I sang a song meant for him one night and all of a sudden I’m signed. Next thing I know he told me there was nothing in Arkadia for me and to follow my dreams and leave. So I did.” Clarke said. It felt like a weight off her chest. She never spoke about that night. It made her feel thrown away. Like she was nothing and never meant anything. 

“Clarke… There are always three sides to a story. Yours, theirs, and the truth. Do you know the other sides? And I mean truthfully.” Kane questioned. 

She sat there for a moment in silence. She always thought she did. He told her to leave. Why else would he say that if he didn’t mean that? 

Why would he break her if there was another truth? Was the truth even worse than what she thought? 

“I don’t know.” Clarke responded honestly. 

“Then don’t give up. At least not until you know all sides.” Kane encouraged, putting his hand on her shoulder, giving it a soft reassuring squeeze. 

Glancing at the clock, Clarke jumped. “I’m going to be late for my flight.”

Kane smiled and waved her off with no hard feelings. 

As she was shutting the door behind her she whispered a thank you. But this time she hoped it was loud enough for him to hear. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Clarke laid on the couch with her guitar across her stomach, her hands lazily strumming notes. She sang nothing, just letting the music flow throughout the house. 

Raven and Octavia were talking on the floor a few feet away, excitedly recounting their night out the previous night. Raven had dragged Octavia out for Saturday night dancing, done feeling mopey since her breakup with Wick. 

She could hear the boys outside shouting excitedly, and a basketball hitting the pavement of the driveway, and the sound of the ball hitting the backboard attached to the garage. Lincoln was probably destroying Murphy and Bellamy. They could usually hold their own but Lincoln could be a beast when it came to anything physical. Both him and Octavia were a perfect fit. 

It felt so peaceful at that moment. Laughter was coming through the open backdoor where Monty and Jasper were smoking a joint and Harper stood around with them. Happiness was all around her. 

This was her safe harbor. No storm could reach her here. 

The front door opened and the sweaty men all came through laughing. Their shirts clung to them from all the sweat. 

The laughter in this house was better than any song she’d ever write. 

She’d stop writing forever just to live in that moment for the rest of her life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated. They’re so helpful. Thanks again my dear friend @awarrioroflight on tumblr!!!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr at edgelessness


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no computer so please forgive any mistakes!

It was hot today. So hot that when Octavia had knocked on her bedroom door and suggested a group hike, she nearly slammed the door in her face. Clarke loved Octavia, she loved Lincoln, and she was happy they enjoyed exercise. 

But she did not. In the slightest. 

At least Bellamy was somewhat athletic and could hold his own. But Clarke was falling behind and utterly miserable. She was already hung over from another batch test night of Monty and Jasper’s moonshine. They’d all decided that buying alcohol was too expensive and they wanted to be more fiscally responsible because as Jasper said, ‘We’re legal adults in basically every country now, and fugitive life isn’t for me.’ Whatever that meant. 

Lincoln and Octavia were far ahead of her, and Bellamy trailed behind, letting himself rest after keeping up with the pair for well over two hours now. 

“I’m never hiking again!” Clarke yelled at no one in particular. Maybe to the sky above her, and whatever god hid behind the clouds. She could hear the couple laughing ahead of her, watching the forms shake as they chuckled at her expense. 

Soon gravel crunched behind her as Bellamy approached her. He was silent as he offered her one of his EarPods. His smile was like when you would wake up in the morning and the sun shone through the shades of your window. Bright and blinding. 

She smiled and accepted, letting the music fill her mind. There were no words, but it made her feel like dancing. No wonder Bellamy could always keep up. 

Clarke watched him with purpose. How his feet connected with the ground along with the beat of the song. How his head swayed to the melody. His chest gliding along almost silently, whispering a dance that no one else could see. The smile growing on her face couldn’t be stopped and she wasn’t sure she wanted it to. 

Instead, she followed along. Bumping against him, letting her body move with the music. She couldn’t think about how miserable or hot she was. All Clarke could focus on was the way the music made her want to dance along. With him. 

They stopped attempting to keep up at all, inside their own comfortable bubble of music and dancing. It was safe there. No words, no thinking, no worrying. She had a beat and a reason to move. 

A reason to move with him. 

When the song faded into the next, she didn’t want to stop. This time the words filled her head, but she tried to block them out and just live in this moment. 

Lincoln and O were far ahead by now and didn’t even know they fell behind. She could just exist and pretend everything was normal. He was a boy, she was a girl. No strings. Just a dance and a feeling that she could never share with anyone. But in that moment she could pretend. If anyone told her that she would fall in love with her best friends big brother when she was twelve, she would think they were crazy. Well, maybe not. Seeing him that first day at the diner he worked at in high school, Clarke was a total goner. But he was always way too old for her. 

But now?

_ “Watch me, take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night.” _

Music could say the things that you were too scared to say out loud. If Clarke let herself feel this, she’d fuck it all up quicker than she could even breathe another breath. 

_ “Somethings fucking wrong with me.” _

Her smile faltered, but she tried to keep going. She didn’t want to ruin the perfect moment. Bellamy was one of the closest people to her in her entire life. There was no way she could ever put that jeopardy. 

So instead, she bumped him with her hip and ran. 

She could still hear his music in her ear, but also the sound of feet thudding against loose gravel. Deep laughing. Her own heart beating faster than she thought could possibly be healthy. 

Before Clarke could think about it anymore, her feet were off the ground and everything was upside down. 

Everything was still flying past her, but directly in front of her all she could see was the dark grey of Bellamy’s T-shirt. She couldn’t even hear the music anymore, just the sound of his laughing, breathing, and his heart beating. 

“Bellamy let me go!” She shouted, fighting back as he ran with her thrown over his shoulder. 

“I don’t think so, Princess! We need to catch up and you’re way too slow!” Bellamy shouted back. He was panting as he ran. His fingers were dangerously high on the backs of her thighs and they felt like burning metal against the bare skin. 

She wanted to feel his touch for the rest of her life, and yet she resisted. 

Finally he dropped her back down to her feet. They were inches apart. Both taking hard deep breaths, staring at each other hoping for the other to speak first. 

Bellamy pushes a stray hair away from her glistening face, back behind her ear so it would hold together with her loose ponytail. He looked at her with such intensity that she could crumble. 

Clarke couldn’t control herself. She couldn’t force herself to look away. It was selfish. She wanted to pretend she could be every girl he’s ever been into. Every one night stand, every long term relationship. She wanted to be the one he looked at like that. 

“You’re beautiful, Clarke. You deserve so much better than every idiot you bring home. You know that right?” Bellamy said. It was barely a whisper. Like a secret he couldn’t bear to bring into the world. 

She could feel the redness in her face and refused to breathe, let alone say a word. She closed her eyes. This was a nightmare. She’d wake up any second and it would be over. 

“Any guy would be lucky to be around you, let alone love you.” 

This was a nightmare. She could say anything. 

“What about you?” She asked him. She couldn’t bear to watch his face. A hand gently touched her cheek, and it was the most gentle feeling in the world. 

“I’m the luckiest guy there is.” 

Off in the distance she could hear Octavia shouting for them to catch up. She wanted the perfect photo to remember their day. 

“And I’m damn cursed.”

When she opened her eyes, he was gone. Catching up with his sister. And she was alone. 

* * *

  
  


There was a time that Clarke loved her mother. But even at 12 she knew those years were long behind her. The woman she used to call Mom was gone and replaced by someone she couldn’t even recognize. She sighed as she rested her head in her arms against the school lunch table. Exhausted from the night before. Her Dad had come home from a business trip right after she went up for bed and for hours all she could hear was yelling. 

Everything was loud and bustling around her. Clarke tried to escape into the silence of her own mind. It wasn’t exactly the quietest place in the world but it was better than reality. Instead of shouting, there were melodies and poems floating around. 

“Excuse me?” Someone asked. Their voice was quiet but kind and strong. Clarke sat straight up, her eyes flying open. 

In front of her was the new girl at school. Most people already knew each other. It was the last year of elementary school and all the other sixth graders had already made strong bonds. Clarke was sure she was the only one alone in the whole cafeteria. 

She was pretty. Long brown hair, bright eyes and a kind smile. 

Clarke racked her brain trying to remember her name. The teacher had announced it but Clarke wasn’t exactly paying much attention today. 

“Octavia, right?” She asked, nervous she wasn’t correct. 

“That’s me! Can I sit with you?” Octavia asked, looking at the empty seat next to Clarke. She motioned for the girl to sit, moving her stuff around for her to have room for her lunch. 

Octavia had put down her lunch tray in front of her and dropped her backpack to the floor. She didn’t seem to miss a beat, moving to eat her cold cardboard pizza that was unfortunately the best thing the school had to offer. 

“You’re Clarke, right?” Octavia asked in between bites, barely wincing at the terrible taste in her mouth. Clarke had to admit she was impressed by that. 

“That’s me,” She answered simply, not wanting to look up. Instead she focused on the paper in front of her that she’d abandoned ages ago, it taunted her. No matter how much she tried to finish the poem it just never came out right. 

Clarke sighed, finally looking up to meet her gaze. “Look I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day and I’m not usually this rude.” She admitted, rubbing her tired eyes. 

Octavia softened, a look of understanding. “I get that. I have a lot of bad days. Sometimes I feel like all I have is my big brother. Our mom is a mess. But he’s in high school and busy.” Octavia admitted, and Clarke couldn’t help but feel honored. She didn’t even know her but still Octavia shared a piece of her. 

“Sometimes I wish I had a brother. Or sister. It’s just my parents and me. But my dad is gone all the time for work, and my mom is…” She trailed off. 

“A mess?” Octavia joked with a cheeky smile, and Clarke could feel herself relax in her own skin. 

“Yeah that’s a fair description.” Clarke said, snorting. A real smile crossed her face and she couldn’t remember the last time that happened. 

Octavia hummed in understanding. “This food is garbage,” she decided. “I know where we can go for something better if you’re willing to make a jailbreak, Clarke.” Octavia said with a mischievous grin. 

Clarke grinned and started shoving all of her belongings in her bag. Her mother be damned. She was going to do something for herself, just for once, because she deserved it. 

The two joined hands and made their break from the cafeteria with laughs ringing out and ran as far as their short legs could take them. 

When they finally got closer to downtown, Octavia started leading the way. Smiles were all over her face and she seemed at home here. 

“My mom owns a bar slash restaurant down this way and my brother works there. He can hook us up with lunch. Just don’t tell him we don’t plan on going back because he is such a stickler for the rules. He is Mr. Perfect.” She explained, finally leading the pair to a quiet and darker looking dive restaurant that still somehow felt so inviting. 

“How come he’s not in school right now?” Clarke asked before the stepped inside. 

“He gets a work credit, so he uses a period to work instead of take something dumb I guess. High school is so complicated.” Octavia shrugged, pulling her inside. 

It reminded her of movies. Small town restaurant that everyone knows, people drinking in the dark corners at lunch time. 

Behind the counter was a cute boy. He was young, still had an ease about him. The world hadn’t crushed spirit yet. Good for him. He sprayed the counter and wiped it down, and she saw headphones dangling around his neck as he bounced around to whatever music was filling his head. It was graceless. Messy. Free. 

She wanted to be like that. Free. 

Octavia marched right up to the boy and pulled his headphones out, snapping him back to reality. He suddenly looked much less carefree and more angry. But the kind of angry that didn’t make you want to run and hide. 

“School food sucks. Can I get some lunch?” Octavia requested. “Oh, make it two. This is my new friend, her name is Clarke and she’s pretty cool. Don’t be an ass.” She demanded. Without another word, she flipped around and was dragging her to a back corner booth to sit. 

Octavia was alive. Like a fire you couldn’t control. Clarke would love to be like that. 

These two siblings were full of life. She wanted to feel alive too. She hadn’t since she was so young that it was like a distant memory. 

Octavia chattered on about what middle school was going to be like next year, how she hated their teacher Mr. Shumway and before she knew it, Clarke felt like she’d known this girl all her life. 

Time must have passed quickly because soon the boy was coming their way with a platter and a lazy smile on his face. 

“Two burgers with fries, and two of my famous chocolate milkshakes.” He declared as he set the food down in front of the girls. Octavia grinned happily, and immediately started sucking down the milkshake like it was a life force. 

Clarke smiled, “Thank you…” 

“Bellamy. And no worries, a friend of Octavia’s is always welcome here. She could use a good influence. Or someone else’s life to ruin.” He shrugged. 

“Hey! I haven’t ruined anyone’s life!” Octavia objected. 

“Monty’s Mom already called about sneaking out at night. God knows he didn’t think of that himself. I’m sure Jasper’s mom isn’t far behind.” Bellamy said simply. Not angry, just honest. 

“We just wanted to hang out! Monty’s mom doesn’t approve of him sleeping at a girls house. It’s not like we do anything, we just watch movies!” She argued back. 

“I know, why do you think I haven’t said anything. I don’t care. Those two are good. Misguided, definitely. But I wouldn’t say you were a shining light of perfection.” Bellamy chuckled as he ruffled his little sister's brown hair. 

“This one practically looks like a Princess. What, you raised in Phoenix Heights or somethin’?” Bellamy asked with a goofy smile. 

Clarke blushed. “Uh, yeah. I am.”

“Oh shit you are a princess!” The two siblings laughed out, and Octavia practically choked on the chocolate shake. 

“Your Mom is gonna hate me. This will be great. I can’t wait! We’ll be best friends, don’t you worry at all.” Octavia grinned. 

Well that was certainly a bonus. 

Time buzzed by her and suddenly it was the end of the school day. Octavia and her had been all over downtown, window shopping, trying on clothes they’d never afford, dancing in the downtown square where the water shot up from holes in the ground.

But now she was wet, standing in front of her front door, trying to gather the strength to push the door open. Part of her wished she’d accepted Octavia’s offer to come over and keep their great day going. But she didn’t want her new friend in the firing line of whatever was behind this door. 

When she finally went inside, it was silent. Not a comfortable sort, but the kind that made you want to lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend that nothing was happening. 

Clarke tried to quietly make her way to the staircase to escape to her bedroom without incident. But that was an unheard prayer. 

“Skipping school? Really Clarke?” Abby. Her voice was cold and critical as always. 

Instead of answering, Clarke stayed silent and turned to face her mother. 

“You’ll never amount to anything if you start screwing it all up now. You think the good colleges will be interested in someone who plays hooky? I certainly don’t.” Abby said, stern. Her face was emotionless. 

“I just wanted to have some fun for once.”

“So being successful isn’t fun? Being a good daughter isn’t fun? Good to know. I’ll stop saving for college and save myself the trouble, then.” 

“I don’t care, Mom! I just want to be happy! I don’t even care about college! I just like playing the piano with Dad and writing my poems!” Clarke fought back, feeling emotional. Not strong. But reactive. Like a bomb. 

“Well you’re not exactly great at either of them, Clarke. So just get it together!” Abby said, making it clear that it wasn’t up for discussion. 

Clarke couldn’t find it in herself to fight. She just ran to her room so her Mom couldn’t see her cry. 

She pulled the poetry book out of her backpack and started ripping up the pages, wishing she could set the whole thing on fire. 

It wasn’t good anyway. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“So you just hold your fingers like this, harder, and strum. It’s pretty easy, even for a Princess.” Bellamy chuckled, his fingers on top of hers. She’d never tried guitar before, but when she’d seen it at their house, she couldn’t help but be curious. 

Bellamy said he hadn’t played since their Mother died last year.  _ But she could.  _

She liked the feeling of his hand on hers. It was terrible to even think of. She was fifteen. He was nineteen. First off, it was illegal. Secondly, he would never be interested in his little sister's best friend. She was like another sister in his charge. It was a fool's dream. 

But when his hands were on her, she could never think clearly. 

She played her first chord with him, and she was addicted. Like a drug in her veins. 

But she wasn’t sure if it was him or the guitar that was so intoxicating. 

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Clarke slipped out onto the balcony of their hotel room. The two rooms were merged, and shared a balcony together. The familiar smell of cigarette smoke filled her senses as she stepped out, immediately letting her know that Murphy was there as well. 

She couldn’t help but smile. His company was welcome in her life. He’d been a friend for what feels like a lifetime, but now he was her rock, kept her standing when the world was crumbling under her. 

Murphy dragged from his cigarette and blew it away from her as he realized she was there. He reserved blowing into people’s faces for assholes. 

The cool biting breeze of the December night was relaxing. 

“What’s got you up, Murphy?” She asked as she settled against the railing next to him. 

“Girl troubles.” He grumbled, not willing to expand on the subject much further. 

“I get that.” Clarke replied. She pulled her cardigan closer like an armor. Kept the biting cold at bay, and covered her like it would protect every secret her skin kept.

“What’s got your brain kicking around at this hour, Griffin?” Murphy asked. 

Clarke glanced at him and silently slipped the cigarette out of his hands and held it to her lips. A temporary escape from a permanent problem. It was a healthier alternative, she supposed. 

“I miss him a lot, tonight.” She admitted. The nicotine flooded her mind and she could feel the stress slip slightly. Maybe one day something could take it all away. 

“You know there’s a phone in your room, right?” Murphy joked, his smirk a familiar reminder. 

She’d tried for months, everyone knew. Called, texted, emailed him at his work address even. Nothing got her a response. Now she was on her first tour and all she wanted to do was tell him how it was everything she’d ever dreamed of. 

Nearly everything. She imagined him in the adjoining room at least. In her best thoughts, he’d share hers. But that was just a fantasy. This was reality. She was alone in her room, and the only person she wanted to share this dream with wanted nothing to do with her. 

A dream can never come true without sacrifice. He used to say that. She just never knew how much the sacrifice would really cost her. If she’d known, she probably wouldn’t be standing here now. 

She could imagine him fighting her on that. Wasting her talent wouldn’t be worth anything. But she didn’t think that was true anymore. 

Instead of thinking, she drew another drag from the cigarette and handed it back to Murphy. 

“We’re both a couple of idiots, aren’t we?” Murphy laughed darkly. 

“I think I wasn’t born with a brain at all. Would make everything make much more sense.” Clarke said with such a deadpan tone that it sent Murphy into hysterics. 

“You could say anything right now and no one would ever know, how crazy is that?” Clarke said, completely ignoring him. 

“Like shouting info a void,” Murphy responded. His eyebrow quirked as if an idea had hit him. 

“Emori you crazy bitch, I love you!” He shouted. It looked liberating. 

“Crazy bitch?” She snorted, rolling her eyes. Emori was anything but that. She was kind, unbelievably good at her job assisting Raven, and she was fun. 

“She stole my cash after sleeping with me the first time. And I still came crawling back for more.” He snorted, rubbing his eyes. He was tired. 

She hummed,  _ that _ she could imagine. 

“Your turn,” Murphy motioned to the cityscape. 

Clarke stayed quiet. She looked back at Murphy, “If I say it, it’s real, and I can’t go back.” 

“You think faking that you aren’t in love with Bellamy Blake is doing you any good? Sure doesn’t seem like it to me.” Murphy said plainly. 

“I’m not in love with him.” She denied. 

“Whatever you say. Just..say something. Otherwise all that crazy shit in your head is never going to leave you alone.” He warned, motioning to her head as if it were full of insanity. 

Maybe it was, Clarke wasn’t sure anymore. 

“I hate that he left me all alone. He was family and now I’m nothing.”

“Oh please. You, Clarke Griffin, were never nothing.”

She watched him flick the cigarette over the balcony as he retreated back into his own hotel room and left her with her thoughts. 

She looked at the time on her phone, eleven at night. She would guess it was probably one in the morning back home. There was no way he could answer. At this moment, she didn’t want him to. 

She held down the number one button and it automatically called him, and the ringing was terrifying. Every second it was possible he would answer and she would have to say something and actually have a response given to her. 

“This is Bellamy Blake, leave a message or something.”  _ Beep _ . 

She inhaled sharply, “I was never nothing. I was good enough. I was enough. But you still tossed me aside. Just like my Mom did. I should have never expected any different. I just thought… I thought you lov— I thought we were family, Bellamy. And now we’re strangers. You can’t even email me back. I just want to spend Christmas at home with my best friends again. Instead I’m in a hotel, with Murphy for God’s sake. By the way, stop ignoring him. He misses you and I am no good at helping him with his girl problems! Don’t punish him for coming with me. He just wanted to keep me safe. And forgive Raven too while we’re at this. I’m the one you can’t forgive. But forgive them. They deserve that. But Bellamy, I was always enough. I just wish you could forgive me, too.” 

The call ended, and she let the phone fall off the balcony. 

She couldn’t hold on anymore. He wasn’t going to forgive her. Maybe them. But she said her peace. Now she needed to breathe, and find another reason to keep breathing. For so many years, her heart kept beating just for him. 

And now she didn’t have that anymore. 

She could breathe for music. It was the only thing that kept her from falling off the face of the planet most days. 

She could keep breathing. Even with the crushing pain of her heart ripping through her every time she drew a breath. 

She could bare it, so that no one else had to. He could move on and pretend she was their never family. Octavia can do whatever she wants. She still called and came to visit, but it hadn’t been the same. Not like before the Cold War started. 

She wasn’t new to not having a family. She could do it again. 

The only problem was that this time, it hurt to let go. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Everything was fuzzy as she pushed her way through the bar. She wasn’t singing tonight, it was purely a pleasure visit. Cheap shots, good people, and free darts. She couldn’t exactly complain much. 

The place hadn’t changed horribly in a long time. The last major change was when Aurora died and Bellamy shifted the place to more of a bar than a restaurant. Food was still great, but it definitely wasn’t what kept people coming in. For the most part Bellamy had someone managing the bar but he worked there to bring in extra income while finishing grad school. The name change from Aurora’s to TonDC had been years ago. She could still find her way to the booth that started it all. 

But now it was full of people instead of just her and O. Jasper and Monty were crushed against each other, whispering about something that was probably borderline legal. Harper happily ignored the duo and talked with O and Miller. Raven was three sheets to the wind and still going and Murphy looked just as far gone though definitely was holding it together better than Reyes. 

“Do you think Bellamy would make one of his milkshakes but dump vodka in it?” Clarke wondered out loud as she squished herself into the cramped booth. 

“For you? Definitely.” Octavia snorted. “Lincoln is serving and Bell is in the back. So you can either go ask yourself or wait for Lincoln.” Octavia explained, quickly returning to her deep conversation with Harper and Miller, Clarke swore they were talking about Miller’s potential new boyfriend but she wasn’t in the mood of pushing it. Instead she decided to make her way back to the back to try and strong arm a vodka milkshake out of Bellamy. 

The door to the kitchen burst open before she could pull it herself, and Echo had pounded out. She was full of rage, and her eyes set right on Clarke.

“Of course it’s you, it’s always you, isn’t it?” Echo swore, and pushed right past Clarke towards the back exit. 

The kitchen was dreadfully slow that night and left Bellamy to a quietness that he wasn’t accustomed to. How the music from the main bar area vibrated the walls, yet he couldn’t make out the words they were singing. He could rarely even tell what song was playing.

Tonight, all he could hear was the thumping of his heart and the heaviness of his own breath in a silent room. 

Even while Echo had been yelling, everything was miserably silent.

Even as she ended their relationship, he felt like a boat on the open ocean with nothing tying it down to the Earth below him. He could float off and no one would ever know. 

Maybe gravity could tear him apart.

Sometimes it confused him when Octavia told him he seemed happier these days, because in reality he felt more lost and confused than ever before. The only time anything ever made any sense was when  _ she _ was looking at him. When her presence made the silence fade into the background and he could feel like he was a part of the world around him again. Instead of acknowledging that, he just smiled and told Octavia nothing could be better.

But that was only a partial truth.

In this reality, it was true. But in another world, maybe he could have better. 

Who knows? Maybe this reality was the best he could get.

“What’s going on with you, Bell?” Clarke asked, breaking his silence. 

He looked up back to where her voice came from, the doorway to the kitchen leading out to the main area. The world came to a screeching halt. 

“Oh, you know, relationships suck.” Bellamy shrugged with an uneasy smile. 

“So I’ve been told,” Clarke smirked as she walked further into the room and invaded his space. Not that it was unwelcome, but it made stringing together sentences a bit harder.

“Yeah, don’t ever date, Princess. I already have enough heads to crack with Octavia and I don’t need more heads added to my plate.” Bellamy laughed, even though it wasn’t completely true. Since dating Lincoln, Bellamy has hardly had to lift a finger in that area of his life. But if Clarke were to start dating, there would be trouble. She’s a young, beautiful, and talented woman. Every asshole within a hundred mile radius would flock to this bar if she gave them the time of day.

“No one has ever interested me, I guess,” Clarke said, and it sounded much more sure than she ever felt. She liked one person, way too much. That was her problem. But she couldn’t be with him. No one else measured up to her bar, so she just chose not to. Why date someone who will never be enough? It was easier to be lonely than to waste her time with someone she didn’t care about. Especially when she could be spending time with Bellamy instead. It just made logical sense to her. It drove everyone around her far more crazy than it ever made herself. 

“Plenty of people notice you, Princess,” Bellamy scoffed. He finally seemed to relax a bit and leaned back against the counter, watching her in the doorway. She let her weight fall against the door frame and she couldn’t help but feel comfortable here.

“Whatever you say, Blake. I came to ask if you’re interested in turning your famous milkshake into a bastardized version of itself. I’m thinking whipped vodka but I am open to other ideas,” Clarke smiled, wide and brightly. 

He could do with some spiked milkshakes right now.

After both downing four over spiked milkshakes, Bellamy and Clarke were feeling dumb. Dumb, fuzzy, and warm.

She liked the way he breathed, how words rolled off his tongue, how his muscles rippled under his skin for every movement he made. It was like staring at art. 

Clarke knew she’d been getting closer, and closer, and now the only way they could be closer would to either jump on top of him or be entirely naked. Both of their bodies were pressed tight at their sides. She could feel from his feet all the way to his shoulder where her head laid gently. She didn’t think about the fact that twenty minutes ago he’d taken her hand into his, because she was sure he thought nothing about it. 

If she thought about it, she might combust, and he’d never mess up and do this again.

So instead, she gripped his hand tight and drew circles with her thumb on his skin. 

That seemed like a good way to spend her night.

* * *

She called him for the eighteenth time. Clarke wasn’t sure why she was doing this anymore. He obviously didn’t care as much as she had about their friendship but deep down she thought he’d at least answer the phone.

But he never did.

“Bellamy… I miss you so much. Please forgive me. You guys are the only family I’ve ever had. I love you all, don’t forget about me… Don’t be a stranger.” 

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

The bus was eerily quiet. It was one of their very few off days, and the bus was parked for the night at a rest stop. Clarke was sat at one of the couches in the main area and stared at the television without any actual interest, but Raven silently noted that it was the Arkadia News channel. Without a word, she ignored what she saw and collapsed two seats over from Clarke. She didn’t dare break the silence. 

Murphy, however, had no issue with it.

“We live in a Post-Bellamy world and I must say, Pre-Bellamy was a lot happier. Less money though.” Murphy grunted and grumbled. 

“Shut up, Murphy!” Raven challenges him. 

“It’s true! There’s a clear split, it's practically biblical. We could label it BB and AB, before and after Bellamy. It makes perfect sense.”

“I said shut up Murphy! Do you know what empathy is at all? Or is that why Emori keeps breaking up with you?”

“Don’t bring her into this, Reyes or I swear!”

“Enough! I’m going back to the bunks, you guys keep doing…. Whatever it is that you’re doing.” Clarke exclaimed. She forced herself up quickly to escape the ongoing conversation. Thinking about it was not how she wanted to spend her off day.

“Seriously? Why did you do that!” Raven shouted, frustrated. She leaned back in the chair and forced her eyes closed. The migraine was already forming in the front of her skull and Raven could already tell that today was going to be more stressful than a free day ever should be.

“Do what? Be real? Or do you want me to coddle her forever? Everyone is miserable. I’m the only one who wants to acknowledge that?” Murphy snapped, propping his legs up against the table across from him. 

“Being an asshole isn’t going to fix anything,” Raven muttered. This had been going on for too long. There was no end in sight. Clarke was just as broken as day one. It’s almost been two years since Clarke and Bellamy could even speak to each other and it fractured their entire group like a disease. The only people who wanted to draw lines in the sand were Bellamy and to a point, Clarke though much less severe. Bellamy could barely hold full conversations with her or Murphy anymore. Clarke couldn’t think about going home without wanting to leave the country. 

“I don’t think anything will fix this shit anymore, Reyes. Two stubborn idiots don’t fix their problems, they just deny they exist and never revisit the idea again. We’re in the middle of Ohio, it’s our day off, and we’re all alone. Does that seem fixable?” Murphy said, his voice bitter and angry. He had always been close with Bellamy. But now it was like walking in a minefield hoping that he didn’t blow himself up in the process. Murphy was lucky to get a text back on a holiday these days. 

“They can still fix it. All they need is a nice, rough push in the right direction.” Raven said, sounding sure. 

The pair could hear the familiar sound of music playing in the back of the bus. It was the kind of music that Clarke only would start making when she never wanted to bring it to the studio. Way too personal, but if you didn’t know her it could be about anyone.

But they knew her, and it hit much harder that way.

Raven started to move and Murphy couldn’t help but feel notice when he saw her phone gripped in her hand with the camera on.

“What are you going to do?” He questioned, unmoving.

“Give them a little push.” Raven said with a shrug.

The thin door separating the bunks and living area made no sound at all as Raven pushed it open enough to get a glance and hold her phone through the crack.

She pressed the record button just as Clarke’s singing was starting. 

“ _ I am not the only traveler, who has not repaid her debt. I’ve been searching for a trail to follow, take me back to the night we met. Then I can tell myself, what the hell I’m supposed to do _ .” Clarke sang quietly, her guitar held firmly in her arms. Raven could see her eyes pressed closed, almost like she was forcing her memories far from her brain.

“ _ I had all and then most of you. Some and now none of you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. Oh take me back to the night we met. When the night was full of terrors, and your eyes were filled with tears. When you had not touched me yet, oh take me back to the night we met…”  _

Raven swallowed, and stopped recording. Suddenly feeling like she was intruding on something far too personal for her own ears. She knew how Clarke and Bellamy met, but it wasn’t anything like that. Raven wasn’t exactly sure what that was about, but she knew without a doubt that there wasn’t anyone else. 

Trying to not think any harder, she sent the video file to Bellamy Blake and hoped there was a forgiving God. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Clarke stared at her bedroom ceiling, and at that moment it felt like she was watching paint dry, except there was no paint. Just endless white that would never change. It was stagnant, just like her life felt. College was awful, everyone around her seemed to be moving on and changing, and she just sat in her bed on a Saturday night alone, watching the never-changing ceiling. 

The only sound in the house she could hear was the shower running on the other side of the wall. It was probably Bellamy, since Octavia was spending the night at Lincoln’s place. She tended to do that a lot these days. Sometimes Clarke envied her. Octavia seemed to figure everything out so easily. She knew exactly what she was going to study, met the guy of her dreams during freshman year, everything was perfectly on track for a great life. When Clarke compared her life to her best friends, it felt inadequate. Everything about her major was a pain, she was going to be single forever, and had absolutely no prospects in life. 

Music was vibrating the wall between the bathroom and her bedroom. Clarke was pretty sure that Bellamy was drunk. He’d stumbled in the house somewhere around two in the morning, blasting music, singing in the shower. It wasn’t his normal routine. 

_ “If love is nothing but a waste of your time, waste it on me.” _

When the shower stopped, she didn’t even notice, too focused on the music that was still shaking the wall. 

The knock on the door wasn’t something she could miss.

He was at her door, towel hung low on his waist, dripping water all over the hardwood floors. Even with the overwhelming smell of pine and cheap soap, Clarke could still smell the alcohol on him. 

She could taste it when he wordlessly leaned down, grasped her face in his hands and kissed her gently. Clarke wasn’t sure if her heart was beating, or maybe this was a wild hallucination from staring at the ceiling for so long. Was that possible?

“ _ And I know there’s no making this right, and I know there’s no changing your mind.” _

Bellamy was moving forward, and she stumbled back to follow his movement. No matter what this was, she wanted it to last as long as possible. 

He mumbled something against her lips that sounded something like  _ you’re beautiful. _

Clarke could feel hands on her hips, fingers glancing the edges of her shirt. Her skin felt on fire, and her pajamas felt overwhelming in that moment despite the biting cold of the apartment. His body was pressing closer to hers, and she felt like they may just melt into one person.

“You’re drunk,” Clarke argued, pulling back just far enough to look Bellamy in the eyes. 

“I am.” Bellamy agreed. 

“We can’t do this.” Clarke said, and she could see his expression crack for just a second. 

But then it crumbled like the Hoover Dam. 

There was so much pain all across his face that he buried daily. 

“Can we just pretend for one night? I’m just a guy, you’re just a girl. No complications, no worries. Just two people.” He begged. 

The way his hands softened against her face, tears welled in his eyes, all the strength that Clarke thought she had melted away. She always dreamed of this moment. He’d walk up and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her.

It didn’t quite happen like that. But she couldn’t tear herself away just the same.

She was a comfort. Not a love. A band aid that helped his alcohol trodden soul. 

But she could deal with being used. Because that was all she was ever going to get. 

Her back hit the bed, and she banished all the negative thoughts from her brain. 

She was a girl, and he was a guy. 

The next morning he wasn’t in her bed. He was claiming the worst hangover ever, and they never spoke of that night again. 

Clarke just pretended it didn’t break her soul, and kept going like nothing changed. But everything changed, if she was honest. She knew what it was like. To be touched by him, to breathe him in like he was the only air she needed. There was no coming back from that. 

It was like meeting him for the first time, all over again, eight years after she ever set eyes on him. Years after she ever fell in love with him. Yet, it was like putting on glasses after a lifetime and finally seeing the leaves on the trees.

* * *

  
  


Bellamy sat behind the bar at TonDC in the middle of the day. Now that he was teaching, it was hard to manage his schedule. But with winter break came all the extra time he could dream off. Most college kids were out of town or back with their family, so business was relatively slow. Definitely slow enough to be nursing a beer and checking Facebook. 

While watching a video that Jasper had posted, a notification interrupted him.

_ Raven Reyes: You broke your own heart, and hers. [File Attached.] _

_ Raven Reyes: Do you ever plan on un-breaking things or do I just need to put her back together myself?  _

The music poured out of the small speakers on his phone and Bellamy felt like he might be sick. 

_ Bellamy Blake: She broke mine too. _

_ Raven Reyes: Clarke isn’t the one being radio silent. Need I remind you this might be the most we’ve actually talked in months? _

He didn’t have a good answer for that, really. Sure, he’d been busy. But not that busy. 

So instead of answering, Bellamy flicked over to the voicemail app and played one at random.

_ “It’s me, your ex-best friend. It’s cool, no offense taken. But I miss you anyway. You would love to have seen tonight. I played in New York City. There were so many people. Wish you could have seen it. Miss you, Bellamy. Maybe think about calling me back.” _

_ “It’s been months, I don’t know why I’m still doing this. You obviously want nothing to do with me. You’ve made it abundantly clear. But I want something to do with you, and maybe if I annoy you long enough you might pick up. Even if it’s just to yell at me. I miss yelling at each other.” _

Bellamy thought he might be a masochist. Refilling his drink, he let the voicemails keep playing.

“ _ I am so stupid. You know that? You just wanted to be a guy, and me a girl. But fuck, Bell, we’re not. We’re not anything anymore though, so I guess it’s not worth the thought.” _

_ “This is the last time you’ll hear from me. I know I’ve said that probably a hundred times. But I can’t keep doing this to myself, Bell.” _

_ “-- Instead I’m in a hotel, with Murphy for God’s sake. By the way, stop ignoring him. He misses you and I am no good at helping him with his girl problems! Don’t punish him for coming with me. He just wanted to keep me safe. And forgive Raven too while we’re at this. I’m the one you can’t forgive. But forgive them. They deserve that. But Bellamy, I was always enough. I just wish you could forgive me, too.” _

Bellamy turned off the voicemails and went back to nursing his beer. Part of him wanted to pull the whiskey off the shelf but he didn’t. 

“I heard that, you know.” Octavia said, appearing from seemingly nowhere. Her hands were on her hips and her face had the tell tale sign of being pissed off. 

“There’s nothing going on, I swear.” Bellamy said quickly, stuffing his phone into his pocket. 

“I’m well aware, big brother. That’s the freaking problem. Did you even watch her interview? She’s in love with you, Bell. Obviously you love her. What is your deal? Do you even want to be happy?” Octavia asked, exasperated. 

“She’s your best friend, and way too young.” Bellamy dismissed, avoiding her gaze.

“Is that seriously all that’s stopping you?” Octavia asked, looking at him like he’d lost his mind. 

Bellamy stopped to think for a second. It wasn’t the only thing. 

“You think she doesn’t love you, don’t you?” 

Bellamy drank rather than answered.

“Get your shit together, big brother, because that girl loves you more than life itself. Get your head out of your ass and do something about it before it’s too late.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was the way she breathed while she was sleeping. An utter relaxation. The stress lines on her forehead were completely invisible. At twenty, she shouldn’t have them all, Bellamy thought to himself. But she did. All he wanted to do was wipe them away.

He laid in her bed, now sober after staring at her walls for hours after she’d fallen asleep. Sheets were the only thing that covered them. 

Clarke’s walls were like a dream board. Every city she wanted to see, every song she wanted to write, every person she loved. 

There were so many pictures of him, he’d never noticed. 

In that moment he felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest.

If he did this, those dreams could never be a reality. No matter how much he wanted this for the rest of his life, he couldn’t.

Waking up next to her, holding her in his arms, tracing the skin of her side as she slept, none of it could be a reality. 

He couldn’t be the person who held her back. Bellamy was the kind of person who never left his backwater neighbor of Arkadia. Clarke was someone who could. 

She would, whether it killed him or not.

So he left the room, and tried to erase the memory of her skin on his, otherwise it may eat him alive.


	7. Chapter 7

Clarke and her father were hidden away in the music room of her house. Abby never came this way, and she was specifically avoiding her husband so for Clarke it was perfect timing.

She sat at the piano desk with a lump in her throat as her Dad set next to her with an encouraging smile. But instead of facing the piano, they were looking the other direction while Clarke had Bellamy’s guitar in her arms. Deep inside she was the six year old girl that just wanted her Daddy’s approval like every other girl in the world. It was rare he got to spend much time at home, or chose to for that matter. He was never out of contact, but days just spent with her Dad were rare.

“You’ve been working on this song for months. I’m not going to judge it, Clarke. I’m sure it’s beautiful.” Jake encouraged, taking his daughters shaking hand in his own. “I know it’s terrifying sharing something so personal with the world, but you have a talent and it’s just not right to hide it away like it should be ashamed of.”

Clarke hadn’t been home like this since she moved out to the Blake’s. But her Dad was visiting and she made an exception for him.

She swallowed a deep breath, and felt like she was sharing a piece of soul.

_ “Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street..”  _

Jake hummed along to her singing, and she feels like to shatter into a million pieces. 

_ “Forgetting him is like trying to know somebody you never met, but loving him was red.” _

When the song ends, Clarke can’t manage another word and she turns into her Dad for comfort. It’s one thing he could offer that Abby never could. 

“I don’t have the right to miss him,” Clarke mumbled into her father's shoulder. “He’s still my best friend, and he was never mine to miss anyway.”

“Clarke, you should know better than anyone. The heart doesn’t care who someone is, it loves who it loves. It’s what we do about it that matters.” Her Dad comforted, rubbing her back soothingly. 

She thought that was the worst heartbreak she would ever feel. 

* * *

  
  


Everyone was dressed in black and it was nauseating. It made everything so real. People were crying, putting roses on the coffin, giving her their condolences. She didn’t want their condolences. She wanted her father back.

But that wasn’t exactly possible, since in just a few short moments he’d be six feet under and Clarke would never see him again. She thought she would snap if her Mother made her talk with another one of her coworkers at the hospital for “connections after you graduate, honey!”

Clarke didn’t want connections. She didn’t even want to go back to school at all. Not that Abby would care or listen.

Bellamy stood solidly at her side, wordlessly offering his support. Octavia fended off as many people as she could so that Clarke could have a moment of peace.

Aren’t funerals supposed to be peaceful?

Instead all she wanted to do was head back to TonDC with her friends, get plastered, and hopefully black out so badly that today is just a blurred memory. She wouldn’t mind if that past year was wiped from her memory, truly. Then when she looked at her best friend, her heart wouldn’t ache and tears wouldn’t threaten to well at her eyes. Though she was certain that even alcohol couldn’t erase a year's worth of pain. Or the memory of his lips on her skin as he whispered everything she’d ever wanted him to say and more.

Yet he didn’t remember a second of it, while she remembered every dreaded detail. They haunted her dreams, she could feel the phantom touches as she laid in bed at night thinking about him lying in the bed next to her. But instead he laid in his own bed down the hall, and the house would echo with the silence and disappointment that she felt in her heart.

The funeral kept dragging on, and by the end there was hole inside Clarke that she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to fill. 

It matched the hole that Bellamy left in her heart. A gaping wound that refused to heal no matter how much she told herself that friendship was enough. 

It was only fitting. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Clarke’s set had finished minutes ago, yet she hadn’t found her way to the bar yet. Today was the day. He couldn’t do this anymore. Bellamy had to tell her. That he wanted every single part of her, damn all the consequences. Maybe she felt the same way, maybe she didn’t, but he couldn’t live in the eternal limbo anymore. Bellamy was fine being her best friend for the rest of his life, but he couldn’t live another second without telling her how he felt.

That he remembered their night together and he couldn’t let it go. She’d brushed it off that morning, but if there was just the slightest chance she wanted him, he had to try.

Clarke ran up to the bar and the smile on her face was absolutely infectious. Every part of her was glowing, even in the darkness of the dingy bar. Like she was a light in the middle of all the darkness around him.

“Azgeda records wants to sign me!” Clarke shouted excitedly over the music and chatting of the bar. Bellamy couldn’t even be sure he heard her correctly, so he dragged her to the back room where things were quieter and more private.

He stared at her. She was beaming. The kind of happiness he hadn’t seen in a long time. 

This is the moment he’d been looking forward to for years, and yet dreading it all the same.

It was time to let her go. He didn’t have a choice. He couldn’t tell her.

“Clarke, take it. It’s your big break. You have to.” Bellamy urged.

“Imagine it, Bellamy. We could see the world!” She said excitedly.

We?

“I can’t come with you, Princess.” Bellamy said. His tone was even, deceivingly so. 

“No, no, I know that! But you could visit during breaks, and I could visit on breaks.” She reasoned, her smile yet to falter. He didn’t want to see her smile leave.

“I can’t do that, either.” Bellamy managed to grunt out. 

He refused to be the one that dragged her down. Her career was sitting right in front of her, all she had to do was sign a paper and she was set for life. If she spent all of her time worrying about keeping a relationship alive, she would miss everything in front of her. It’s not like he was good enough for her, anyway. He had a bar, and at most he’d be a professor at some second rate university teaching kids about history while they slept behind their laptops and he pretended to not be offended. Bellamy could never give her the life she deserved.

Clarke’s brows furrowed in confusion and her smile dropped. He could see her glow die right in front of him. 

“So… Is this it? You don’t even want to be my friend anymore?” Clarke managed, her voice cracked and Bellamy could feel his heart crack right along with it.

“You’re meant for so much more, Clarke. Sign the papers, go do your thing.” Bellamy smiled, no matter how fake it felt in that moment. 

_ If your world falls apart, I'd start a riot. If night falls in your heart, I'd light the fire. _

“I.. I don’t understand. What did I do?” Clarke asked desperately. Her face was filling with an all too familiar grief and Bellamy just wanted to take it all back and tell her to stay. But he couldn’t.

“There’s nothing here for you, Clarke. You should go.” Bellamy gritted out before giving her a fake smile and retreating into the crowd of the bar, leaving Clarke to herself. lost and confused.

Clarke didn’t need to sign the papers until ten in the morning, and it was only midnight. She had plenty of time.

_ Clarke Griffin: Hey O, meet me at the entrance. We’re going to make tonight a night to remember. Just me and you. _

* * *

  
  
  


Octavia and Clarke laid in the grass behind the old high school with a bottle of moonshine between them as they stared up at the stars. It wasn’t an awkward silence, just a comfortable moment in time where their thoughts didn’t mean anything.

The only thing that mattered were the stars in the sky, and how much moonshine they had left in their bottle.

“So after you sign the papers, when do you leave?” Octavia asked, taking another swig of the moonshine. Clarke was sure it was the only thing keeping them warm at this point. The chill was setting in this late at night, and they were dressed for the bar. Not exactly dressed for camping outside getting wasted to ignore their feelings.

“Pretty soon after, I assume. I have to go to LA, record some stuff, and see what happens with it. I don’t really know how this works,” Clarke admitted with a shrug. 

“You’re really leaving,” Octavia huffed, taking one last sip from the bottle before passing it to Clarke who took a large swig. Maybe two. Maybe Monty and Jasper’s moonshines could grant her wish and wipe all the memories from her brain. The stuff was pretty lethal, it was possible.

“I am.” Clarke said sadly, holding the bottle close to her like it was an anchor holding her to the grass. Everything was tilting and she wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or maybe the world was just ending. Either was okay.

“I’m going to miss you, roomie.” Octavia said, giving her a meaningful look. “Bellamy will miss you, too… We all will.”

Clarke snorted and gave Octavia an incredulous look, “Bellamy is definitely not going to miss me. He said there was nothing in Arkadia for me and to go.” She replied, but her voice gave just a hint of sadness that she hoped Octavia couldn’t pick up on.

“Bellamy is an idiot, he always has been. You know he can’t express feelings like a normal fucking human.” Octavia complained, pulling the moonshine right from Clarke’s grip. 

“And yet, he’s the smartest person we know,” Clarke huffed, looking directly at the stars to avoid any looks from her best friend. She could see the outline of constellations and deep down a part of her wondered if he could see them too.

Silence sat over them for what felt like hours. The stars shifted above them, and eventually streams of light filled the horizon as the sun was lifting to begin a new day.

“I’m moving in with Lincoln.” Octavia said quietly.

“O’! That’s great news!” Clarke said excitedly, wrapping her friend into a hug. Within a minute of the hug beginning, it ended as Octavia choked out a sob.

“Bellamy is going to be all alone.”

It felt like the Earth shifted under her, and it definitely wasn’t the alcohol. 

He was going to be alone.

“I.. I have to go… My meeting.” Clarke stuttered out, quickly trying to gather herself to her feet.

Octavia watched with sad eyes as her best friend practically ran away.

Her sister was gone. Her brother's heart was shattered. There just wasn’t a good answer.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It was the last song of the night. In three days they would be in Arkadia, doing this all over again. Clarke couldn’t gather her thoughts together and she hoped that the fans couldn’t notice. Crew were setting up a stool at the front of the stage during her change but she couldn’t be sure why. The last song was supposed to be upbeat and happy, ending on a good note. It was Roan’s policy.

Yet Emori was dragging that stool out front and they were putting her in her normal street clothes. Clarke was the definition of nervous.

When she finally sat down on the stool with a guitar strapped over her, she almost couldn’t breathe. In her ear piece she could hear Murphy’s familiar voice, “Trust us, Princess. Trust is a magical thing if you allow yourself it.”

Then the stadium went dark, aside the screen behind her. It looked like a recorded video. Front in center was Octavia, with Monty, Jasper, and Harper, all crowded around the camera. Clarke could tell that it was the Blake apartment from the background. She could see the familiarly over cleaned kitchen with matching appliances, and dirty dishes in the sink because Octavia has a thing about soggy food. 

“Clarke, I don’t know why I ever would need permission to do this, but apparently I do. Love isn’t a bad thing, and he loves you like you’re the sun setting on his life. Don’t ruin something beautiful because you’re afraid.” Octavia started.

“We want our ship to sail!” Jasper shouted his comment, earning himself an eye roll and a punch in the shoulder from Monty. 

“Come home, Clarke, we miss you. Bellamy misses you.”

The video cut out and Clarke found herself quickly wiping away tears as the lights flicked on and directed themselves back at her. 

She looked out to the audience and felt like she could choke right there. But she felt a hand on her shoulder, and Clarke looked back to see Murphy standing there assuringly. 

Clarke cleared her voice and spoke directly into the mic, “The end of a show is supposed to be the big highlight but I think I have something much more important to say.” 

She looked back and Murphy and he nodded at her silently, urging her to continue.

“I wrote this song, it’s for somebody special out there. He probably will never hear it, but a girl should give it one last shot. Yeah?”

The crowd was shouting excitedly and Murphy gave her a squeeze and a smile before retreating off the stage.

As the notes played off her guitar, her stress faded and her voice could follow along to the words.

_ “Cause I have no right to love you. When I chose to walk away. I have no right to miss you. When I didn't wanna stay, and I have no right to need you. And I knew what my heart was gonna lose, I have no right to love you. But I do, I still do. Yeah, I still do.” _


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has some dark moments, Think Post Bunker Abby. Plus a lot of mentions of grief.

Everyone had been at the Dropship since eight, and it was nearing one in the morning at that point. Monty and Harper had already called themselves a cab, Lincoln was silent and sober as usual to make sure Octavia got home safely, and Bellamy was quiet though in an odd, nearly uncomfortable way. Murphy and Raven didn’t even pretend to have themselves together as they threw dart boards at the wall; wildly missing at that. 

Clarke would probably land somewhere between calling exes and doing something terribly stupid. But that didn’t stop her from finishing her drink. It was overpriced as it was, and she would rather not waste the money. Or let Jasper swipe it from her for free. 

She could feel the warmth of Bellamy’s shoulder against hers, and she couldn’t remember when she started leaning on him. Though she didn’t move, she just stayed there letting herself absorb the heat that radiated off him like he was a human furnace. 

Somewhere between drink seven and eight, Bellamy had put his hand on her back to hold her steady on her stool. She wasn’t that drunk but it made her want to sway more just so that his hand would stay there. His expression was unreadable and it drove her crazy. 

Ever since that night, everything he did drove her crazy. The way he never seemed to put on his shirt right after he showered, or how everything he owned seemed to be left in a trail of his like a hurricane. She couldn’t complain horribly about that, she learned something new about him every time. Which history book he read the most often, how he liked the short socks more than the long socks, or that he forgets his reading glasses under the lamp by the couch where he reads most nights before bed. 

Every drink left her leaning further and further into Bellamy, who didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t say much at all that night. The quiet wasn’t just wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but unusual nonetheless. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom since it’s almost last call, order me a rum while I’m gone!” Clarke announced as she stood to her feet. Without thinking, Bellamy stood with her to keep her steady. 

“I’ll take you back there,” He said quietly as he guided her away with his hand on the small of her back. It felt so natural and domestic, and Clarke couldn’t help but wish this was how they always were.

It reminded her of their night together and it filled her brain. The feeling of his fingers on her skin, lips tracing sweet words down her stomach before filling her. How he spoke with such care, nothing vulgar. She wondered if that was just for her, or every girl he’s ever been with. There was no way to know since he couldn’t even be bothered to remember it happened at all.

Bellamy held the bathroom door open for her and she stopped in her tracks, watching him. No matter how hard she looked, she couldn’t read him. Bellamy used to be an open book to her and now it was like watching a whole new person and she didn’t know where to start.

Instead of going to use the restroom, Clarke pulled Bellamy inside with her and locked the door behind them. She could see the look of panic on his face and she wasn’t sure if the panic was worried about being locked in the bathroom, or locked in the bathroom with her.

“What are you doing?” Bellamy asked nervously. Clarke sighed and crossed her arms over her chest and backed up against the sink of the single bathroom. 

“I’m really drunk, let me preface this with that.” Clarke started and made Bellamy laugh. The deep kind that his whole body moved with in such an effortless manner. She wondered what it would be like to be so unguarded. Maybe she should try it.

“I don’t want to be alone anymore, Bell.” Clarke admitted, her voice coming out much more raw than she ever intended. 

“Clarke, you were never alone.” He assured, stepping closer to link an arm through hers and pull her close to him in a hug. 

“Can you just hold me, please?” Clarke begged quietly into the crook of his neck. Bellamy responded with a nod as he pulled her tighter. He was always like a security blanket for her. When her thoughts got too dark and scary to handle on her own, just his smile was enough to bring her back to Earth. 

They stood there quietly for a few minutes, and Clarke could listen to his calm breathing. It was perfectly paced, and she could feel the thump of his chest against hers. If time could pause, she would stop right here and never press play again.

“My Dad is dead, what am I going to do?” Clarke quietly sobbed out, hiding her face in his clothes, but he could feel the wet stains forming.

“You’re going to come home with me for some coffee on the couch, and sober up. We can watch whatever you want, hog the blanket, and I’ll even make you one of those chai tea things you like.” Bellamy reasoned with a kind smile that frustrated Clarke even further. He always did that  _ thing  _ and everything she was upset about was just gone.

It didn’t make the gnawing hole in her stomach disappear, but neither did the endless amounts of alcohol. So it didn’t make much of a difference.

Alcohol wasn’t going to fix any of her problems, if she was being honest with herself. She let herself be led out to the car in silence. Clarke’s brain was overflowing from the thoughts that the liquor was supposed to silence. Or at least make her sleep through the memories, but that wasn’t exactly working out either.

Drinking couldn’t raise her Dad from the dead, make her Mother any less of a people-hating-robot, and it certainly couldn’t fix the fact that she fucked her best friend who happened to be her other best friend's brother. The only thing that was saving her was that he couldn’t remember it, but that also made her feel insane because she couldn’t say anything to anyone. 

Clarke could remember a time as a young girl, when her mother was nearly human. 

_ “One day, boys are going to be much more interesting. Girls too, maybe. But you always have to remember that people will say a lot of things to get what they want from you.” _

Or the time her Mother had a terrible day at work and was drinking in the dark at three in the morning, easily a bottle into a Pinot. 

_ “They’ll tell you pretty little lies, Clarke. They’ll say they want you, but they only want a tiny part. They’ll be really good at making you believe it, too.” _

Sitting in the passenger seat of Bellamy’s van, she let her mind wander to it’s darkest corners. Where song lyrics are born and dark thoughts hide in boxes that she won’t open even on her worst days.

But hearing him breathing next to her sent her into that dark corner like a scared child hiding. Where she buried all her darkness and hatred, hoping it would die. Where all the hope and love she once held inside her truly had died. And lastly where she hid her feelings for Bellamy where she pretended they were dead and buried as well. But they weren’t, not really.

“You can talk, you know.” Bellamy grunted, fumbling with the radio awkwardly. The only thing you could get at this time was NPR and it was so boring it could put her to sleep if her brain wasn’t so busy.

“What am I supposed to talk about?” Clarke asked, staring out the window. Everything moved so fast in comparison. 

“Fuck, Clarke, whatever you like. Wanna talk about how pissing drunk you are? Is this going to be a daily thing or just a once in a while occasion. I gotta know now, if I’m taking care of another addict until they die, let a guy make some arrangements first.” Bellamy snapped, though the anger was lacking while the sadness was not. His eyes were flicking from the road to her and he looked like he was breaking in front of her.

“‘M not an addict and you aren’t fucking taking care of me for the rest of my life. Why the hell would you?” Clarke responded. “It wasn’t my best night but it wasn’t exactly my worst. My Dad just died, give me a fucking break, Blake.”

Bellamy started laughing. The hollow, sad kind that you see in tragic movies in the theatres. 

“Is this the part where you tell me no one cares about you? I’m not interested.” Bellamy said with a scoff, turning the radio up high. She could already feel the headache starting to pound in the front of her brain. Maybe she should have drank more water, her Dad used to say that after going to one of Mom’s Gala events. 

He can’t really do that anymore.

Clarke laughed, “There’s not anybody left, is there? Dad is dead, Mom is a robot pretending to be a human, what else do I have?”

The car jerked as they pulled into the shoulder of the road, and Clarke could hear the gravel crunch under the tires as they skidded to a harsh halt. Bellamy put the vehicle in park and turned it off with a yank of the keys. Without a word, he ripped the van door open and left her inside by herself.

Unsure what to say next, she stayed silent and sat in the passenger seat.

Her door swung open and Bellamy stood beside her with a defeated look on his face. 

“This road, this is where my Mom got so fuckin’ high that she crashed into oncoming traffic. You think I didn’t give a shit about her? I did, if that’s not clear. So why wouldn’t I care about you, Clarke?”

She could feel her mouth dry and the guilt made her sick to her stomach.

“I took you in, Clarke. I didn’t fucking have to. Poor Princess comes into my bar and wants to have a damn milkshake with my sister. I could have called the truancy officer on you and been done with it. Didn’t have to let you live with us half the time from that day on, or fucking permanently for that matter.” Bellamy spat out, exasperated and angry. 

Maybe sad.

“Why didn’t you, then?” Clarke asked in a quiet voice.

Bellamy leaned his head against the door frame of the car and his chest was stupidly close to her chest and she could watch him breathing hard. 

A small smile creeped on his face, but his eyes stayed closed as he stood in front of her. 

“I can never say no to a pretty blonde, what can I say, Clarke? I gave a shit, still do. You have someone whether you want me or not.” 

“Promise?” Clarke questioned sheepishly. She was shaking and was eighty percent certain it was from the cold and not the thoughts running through her head.

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried, do I need to do that freaky blood sister shit that you and O did when you were fourteen or am I good?” Bellamy snorted, finally easing himself. Clarke could hear his breathing ease and the muscles were loosening in his jaw.

“I’ll have to think about it,” Clarke said simply with a small smile on her face in truce.

“Stop drinking your feelings and be sad like a normal human being for me, Clarke? I don’t want you to end up like her.” 

She knew he meant his Mother but didn’t dare to say it.

“I promise. No matter how fucked things get, I won’t.” Clarke swore and Bellamy gave her a genuine smile that made her feel warm inside. 

“Now pick some damn music that doesn’t give me a migraine, I need some sleep and you need a gallon of water.” Bellamy said as he moved to get back into the car.

There was a mess of emotions running through her head and she picked the first song that popped up on the radio at this hour when Bellamy had the car turned back on.

They drove back home in relative silence, with occasional murmurs of lyrics under their breath. 

_ “I just don't believe that you have got it in you 'cause-- We are just gonna keep 'doin' it' and everytime I start to believe in anything you're saying, I'm reminded that I should be getting over it.” _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


The phone was ringing for the fourth time with Abby’s contact picture filling Clarke’s phone screen and she wasn’t sure if she could ignore her much longer. Raven had even gotten two calls with no voicemails. Murphy had always been sure that the Griffin matriarch never had any way to find him so he was unbothered. 

Clarke sat in the restaurant booth while they waited for their sugar ridden pancakes. It was slow, even the drunks had cleared out by this time. There was only one waitress and she looked exhausted. Emori was drinking her coffee black while Murphy let his head rest on her shoulder, pretending to not be exhausted while his eyes flitted open and shut. 

The show had ended that night without any hiccups and no one would mention the fact that Arkadia was growing closer by the second. 

“Wick said he could pick us up from the airport, if you guys don’t mind.” Raven said flippantly as if it were casual.

Murphy perked up like a dog with a bone, while Clarke was frozen with her jaw dropped.

“Wick, huh? That the guy you fly home to bone during breaks while we break our backs?” Murphy laughed, and Emori hid her smile behind her coffee cup that shook as she softly giggled.

“He’s not that bad when he shuts up, alright? Nobody wants to fuck you either when you speak, Murphy.” Raven snarked.

“I take offen--”

“Eh. I still will.” Emori interrupted with a laugh. 

“Thank you, I am fuckable in every state of being, Reyes.” Murphy said with certainty and a cocky smile.

The waitress came around with piles of food when Clarke’s phone rang for the sixth time and she finally decided to answer against all her best thinking. She could even hear Bellamy in her head telling her to not give her Mom a moment of time.

Clarke slipped out of the booth with her phone to retreat to a quieter corner of the empty iHop and answered the phone.

“Mom?” Clarke asked tentatively.

“You answered.” Abby said stiffly, surprised. 

“I did, what do you need?” Clarke cut straight to the point, not wanting to drag things out further than needed.

“I just… I need you to know that I’m proud of you, all things considered. This wasn’t what I wanted for you. At all. I wanted you to get a good education, make good choices and nice respectable friends. Marry a good guy. I think I would change a lot, but regardless I am proud.” Abby said, her words were blending together and Clarke wasn’t sure if it was the connection or the fact that Abby said the words ‘I’m proud of you.’

Clarke stilled for a second, “Uh.. Thank you, Mom.”

“I wouldn’t have picked the Blake’s, the brother is a mess and the young one is off engaged to some older man but they must love you.” Abby rambled and Clarke’s blood went cold.

“You don’t get to talk about them like that, ever.” 

“I’m glad you’ll have someone to love you when I’m gone, your Dad would have liked him.”

“Why are you talking like this?” Clarke asked, starting to feel worried. 

“You never wanted me, Clarke.” Abby said before hanging up. Clarke stared at her phone in confusion and panic. She mentally went through a list of people who might know where her Mom was and what was happening, settling on calling Jackson.

The ringing felt never ending as she called his work number, being rerouted through the hospital's network.

“Doctor Eric Jackson speaking,” He said quickly, it sounded chaotic in the background.

“Jackson, it’s Clarke. Have you heard from my Mom?” Clarke rushed out, trying to take up as little time as possible.

“She’s on suspension, she was supposed to call you, she got a DUI and got roughed up pretty bad. Haven’t heard from her since then.” He replied, “She’s not doing great,”

Clarke hung up without thinking about how rude it was. She started googling the closest airport and the next flight she could get as close to Arkadia as possible.

The food was all set out at the table when she slid back into the booth, trying to decide between the flights as she pounded a black coffee back wordlessly. When her cup was emptied, she reached across the table and started drinking from Murphy’s. It was always too sweet but at the moment she couldn’t complain.

“What the fuck, dude?” Murphy complained, fork in hand with pancake between his cheeks. 

“I got to go, Mom is doing something stupid, need caffeine.” Clarke said simply, chugging the coffee between sips. 

“Slow down!” Raven interrupted, grabbing Clarke’s wrist to stop her from leaving the booth. 

It was Emori’s turn to go slack jawed. Raven started asking a million questions a minute while Murphy started calling the waitress for the check. 

They had four tickets to Arkadia Airport for three hours from then rather quickly when Raven used her connection with an old pilot friend Shaw. 

Everything felt like it was moving in a blur as she started texting people to figure out what was going on with her Mom. Everyone from Miller’s Dad to Octavia, all leading with various replies of “Not sure, she’s been off lately.”

It didn’t put Clarke at ease. 

They were seated by the left wing and Clarke was watching the clouds float by when Raven spoke. Everything seemed so small and unimportant at that moment.

“She’s a junkie. She was high on pills and crashed her car.” Raven said, sounding angry and hurt. 

Abby had always been much nicer to Raven. She was the daughter Abby had always wanted, and Raven never knew much of her mother besides cleaning up the puke the night after. 

It was almost ironic in the darkest way possible. Abby viewed her as the failure, and yet here they were hoping they’d find her alive somewhere.

The light was shining in the early hours as they exited the airport, Wick waiting with his car at pickup. The way he hugged Raven and helped her load in seemed natural. Clarke had no idea when it happened, but she was happy for her. 

During the drive arrangements were made to cancel that night's concert, but Roan refused to cancel Arkadia’s concert since she was already in the city. If the situation changed, he’d be open to a discussion.

Murphy and Wick were talking about what hotel to hit to drop their stuff when Clarke’s phone was ringing. A picture flashed that hadn’t in a long time.

A nerdy guy with floppy curls and a cute smile.

Without even a moment of thought she answered, hoping for anything. Closure, peace, an ending to the madness.

“Your Mom is in my bar and she’s a mess.” 

_ Click. _


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7b both distracted me from and fueled this.

Standing in front of TonDC made Clarke feel like a ghost. Or that she was just an observer outside of her own body. Raven had spent the drive over to the bar trying to get Clarke to take off  _ his  _ sweatshirt but Clarke had mostly blocked it out, claiming she had no bra underneath and to leave her be. Raven just wanted to keep herself busy, but Clarke wanted her security blanket before everything shattered beyond repair.

She could always pretend that some day Bellamy would have called her again and wanted her back, as long as she was far away from him and they weren’t speaking. But now he called, and it didn’t feel like a good setup for success. 

The glass of the bar door was shattered and Clarke’s heart felt like it was in her stomach. This wasn’t like her Mother in the slightest. 

But as they tiptoed through the glass, they found Abby sprawled in a booth looking like she was asleep. Bellamy was wiping down the bar like he always used to, with the same calm demeanor that made him look so relaxed and free. 

He didn’t look so relaxed when he finally looked up and saw them standing amongst the broken glass. After a more thorough inspection, Clarke could notice the wine bottles under the table of the booth her Mother was at. Now that Bellamy was looking up, she could see the bags under his eyes and the blooming dark circles. 

“I made sure she didn’t choke and she’s still good, figured calling 911 would look terrible for her court case so I just did the Aurora-Maneuver.” Bellamy said quietly, motioning to her Mom.

“What the hell happened to her?” Clarke asked in confusion. The last time she saw her Mom had been relatively long ago but she never thought her Mom was capable of this kind of spiral.

Bellamy was silent, seemingly in thought. Clarke wasn’t sure she could stand any more long moments of silence in her life.

“She got hurt a while back, got hooked on the pills, Wine Wednesday followed, then the DUI and suspension, and she’s been like this since.” Bellamy said unemotionally.

Clarke wasn’t sure what exactly she was feeling at that moment. Anger, fear, grief, or just the overwhelming apathy that life tends to cause.

“I’ll pay you for the door, and whatever the hell she drank.” Clarke replied, trying to match his cool tone. It didn’t come off nearly as strong as he did. It was a good thing she never wanted to be an actor because it wasn’t her forte. 

“Not necessary. I never liked taking your money, Clarke.” Bellamy said. It almost felt like they were normal again just for the smallest second in time. It was like a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Sometimes she wondered if people could see the giant gaping holes she walked around with but so far they seem just as invisible as she feels at the second. It was like Bellamy was looking right through her, to an older version of her.

“Can I light up, this is too fucking much for me,” Murphy interupted, holding his pack up cigarettes up. 

Bellamy snorted, “Only if you give me one.” 

Murphy handed one to Clarke wordlessly before tossing the pack across the room for Bellamy to catch. It was a horrible habit but in this moment she didn’t put herself down for it. Any distraction was good at that moment. 

Anything to give her a reason to not look up. Or to not look at the booth where her Mother was hitting rock bottom and there was nothing Clarke could do for her. She couldn’t fix her. Bellamy always tried for his Mom and she watched how little it did for her, and Clarke wasn’t sure she was nearly as good of a person that Bellamy had been.

Was. Had been. Clarke wasn’t sure.

“You need to take better care of your Mom, Clarke.” Bellamy muttered, blowing out a puff of smoke. 

It was like a slap.

“I don’t know if I can do what you did for your mom, Bellamy. I love her but I don’t want to set myself on fire anymore.”

“It’s not like she’s winning any Mommy of the Year awards, Blake. You’ve missed a fuck ton.” Murphy muttered.

All she wanted to do was go outside and scream into a void for hours. Everything felt like a crushing weight and any moment she would lose her balance and be crushed by it all and leave nothing behind. Instead, she lit the cigarette and let the toxic smoke fill her lungs and cloud her thoughts just enough for her to keep breathing. 

“I’m going to take Abby home, call some rehabs, I’ll think of something.” Raven said in the absence, pulling Wick forward to start gathering Abby up. Clarke couldn’t bear watching them move her. Her Mother didn’t even look like her Mother anymore. 

All Clarke could hear as she closed her eyes as tightly as she could was the sound of shuffling and broken glass being crunched beneath shoes. 

“Beard looks good,” Murphy commented, trying to break the silence.

“Long hair was never your look,” Bellamy replied, nodding to Murphy’s shorter cut. 

They both smiled easily and didn’t look like they were on the edge of a total breakdown, and that was something Clarke envied. So instead, she dragged again on the cigarette hoping her problems would burn away with the ash. 

They never seemed to, but she always hoped they could.

“You look good too, Princess.” Bellamy said politely with a small smile.

She couldn’t do small talk. She thought she could. 

“Why didn’t you call? I called. A lot.”

Bellamy looked away and she couldn’t tell what he was feeling and it made her feel even less grounded. She used to know him better than she knew herself and now she didn’t even know how he was feeling.

“Right for the kill shot there, thought we might make it to a beer before you gut me.” Bellamy joked without a sense of humor in his voice. 

“I need to know, Bellamy, I can’t fucking move on. Give me that.” Clarke pleaded, feeling defeated. She just needed him to tell her that this was the end of the journey. That there was no book two, or a magical plot twist that changed her life for the better. Because no matter how many times she told it to herself, she couldn’t move on.

“Oh you want to move on? Good for you, Griffin. Pack up all your shit once and for all and leave us all behind for good. Make it final for us, say fucking goodbye for real. For once in your goddamn life.” Bellamy snapped, throwing down his cigarette into a wet bussing tray and headed back to the kitchen area for space, leaving Murphy and Clarke alone in the front.

Clarke felt frozen in place while Murphy started laughing behind her. The full belly gasping for air kind that always pulled at the corners of your mouth.

“It’s actually unbelievable how stupid you guys are. It’s honestly toxic at this point. How can two human beings be this stupid? Or miscommunicate so horribly?” Murphy gasped out between laughter. 

Clarke didn’t bother to respond to Murphy before she dashed back towards the kitchen because she couldn’t stop here. There were too many answers to way too many questions left to be asked.

Bellamy was leaning against the dishwasher, looking like he was considering taking all the dishes and throwing them at the wall. Finally it was like his feelings matched hers.

“Why would I ever want to say goodbye, Bellamy? The problem was that you did.” Clarke quietly accused, watching him closely. The way he stiffened when she spoke, realizing she was there. The emptiness that filled the room in the quiet. 

“Who was I to tell you to not go after everything you wanted?” Bellamy asked, not seeming like he actually wanted an answer.

“You didn’t have to cut me out of your life like a tumor. I thought we were family, Bellamy.” Clarke said, her voice breaking and tears were threatening to break the damn that she’d built inside herself. But with him right in front of her, it was crumbling to pieces. 

“There was a time we were family but it hasn’t been in a long time Clarke, long before you left.” Bellamy laughed bitterly, kicking out at a bucket filled with soapy water, sending the water all over the floor.

Clarke wasn’t quite sure if she was breathing any more, and it was like her axis went on a complete shift and nothing made sense anymore.

“I fucking love you.” Clarke cracked out, feeling her damn finally break. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t meant to hurt like this. But it always did.

“Stop saying that shit, Clarke, because I can’t deal with hearing it.” Bellamy begged, pressing his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the world.

“Why? ‘Cause it’s true. I love you and I can’t fucking breathe without you and I feel like I’m walking around with a part of myself missing ever since you told me to leave.” Clarke said, angry and sad. 

Bellamy looked up in silence, and walked forward and gently put his hand on her mouth and another on the side of her head. His expression was broken. She could practically see all the hours of missed sleep in his eyes, and the months of unhappiness in the lines of his face.

“Don’t say that, I’m begging you here, that would mean I’ve made myself miserable for years for no fucking reason.” Bellamy said quietly, moving his hand from her mouth to her cheek. She could feel his body close to hers and she thought she might explode right then.

“Maybe you did.” Clarke said quietly.

For a moment there was a deep expression of pain on his face before he moved to cover her mouth with his, and it was like coming up for air for the first time in years. Her back pressed up against the shelving with all the cans displayed. She felt the canned peas and corn fall from the place but ignored the sound because everything felt deafened like she was sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool.

The way his hands tangled in her hair and the warmth of him against her was better than any earthly high available. She couldn’t understand doing drugs when she could just do this.

“These sweatshirts are expensive, you know, I had to order a new one.” Bellamy mumbled into her lips.

His arms scooped under the back of her thighs and she hooked her legs around his waist like it is the most natural movement they’d ever made. Her arms were threaded around his neck, fingers playing with the edges of curls that she never thought she’d see again.

He tasted like day old coffee and a hint of whiskey, and they fit together just like she always dreamed they would. How they did that one night. It was like no time passed at all.

“Clarke,” Bellamy mumbled, breaking away slightly as he moved to kissing her neck, slowing his movements.

She could feel him pulling himself away emotionally and knew this was the closure that she had begged for, pleaded for.

“We’re two broken people, two puzzles that don’t fit together anymore.” Bellamy said quietly, still holding onto her like they were never meant to let go.

“I think I saw this movie, and I didn’t like the ending.”

It took just a few minutes for him to be gone, leaving her with an empty kitchen, wet socks, and all the pieces of her broken heart left to pick up before she could even consider moving an inch. She wasn’t sure when Murphy came in, or when Raven and Wick came back, or even when Emori came back from the hotel to shuttle them all back.

She wasn’t even really sure when she ended up at Octavia’s door where she lived with Lincoln in a nicer area of Arkadia. Clarke was always so proud of her. She found love and held on, got the education she deserved, and made something of herself. 

When Octavia opened her front door in pajamas and messy hair, she was less surprised than Clarke imagined. 

“You still take it black, right?” Octavia asked with a small comforting smile.

“Definitely.” 

“Lincoln just put a pot on, you look like you need it.”

She did. She really did.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Bellamy was grading essays at the bar with a coffee that he’d brewed hours before and a splash of whiskey in it. The only thing to interrupt his late night after hours grading was the sound of smashing glass and drunken muttering.

His first reaction was to grab the bat he kept behind the counter, but lowered it when he recognized the drunk woman's blonde hair and tired eyes. For a moment it reminded him of his own mother.

“Mrs. Griffin, what the fuck are you doing?” Bellamy yelled, scrambling to try and stop her from hurting herself in the glass.

She muttered to herself some more as she stumbled towards a booth, leaving Bellamy in total shock.

“Can I get a bottle of red, I’ll give you my card, you know I’m good for it.”

At that point he couldn’t help but laugh at the situation and it’s absurdity.

He added more whiskey to his coffee and let Abby roam his very limited catalogue of box wines. It was better she did it here where he could control the situation, at the very least. He’d already heard about the DUI, she was probably headed for prison no matter what they did for her. Calling the cops wouldn’t change a thing for Abby’s future at this point.

“I called my daughter earlier.” Abby said, loud enough for Bellamy to hear.

Instead of responding, he just continued to drink his coffee and pretend to focus on his grading. He couldn’t, but it was a good gesture.

“I never thought you lot were good enough, I don’t know why she stooped so low, but she chose you, I suppose.” Abby said bitterly between drinks of whatever red she had decided on. Bellamy could hardly tell the difference.

“My family was never the trailer trash you thought we were,” Bellamy responded in a harsh tone, gripping his mug tighter.

“Maybe not, but have you seen her? She’s making a fool of herself on stages and television, talking about how she only fell in love once. You broke her, and you always will. That’s not enough.” Abby replied, taking another long drink from her wine. 

Bellamy looked around the bar and couldn’t but think what she was saying was true. He wasn’t ever good enough for Clarke, he broke her.

“Mrs. Griffin, keep on fucking drinking if you want, but keep your toxic drunk shit to yourself, just for my sanity please.” 

The quiet was loud for the rest of the night. When he got a text from Octavia asking if he’d seen Mrs. Griffin, he knew what he had to do. Didn’t mean he liked it.

“Your Mom is in my bar, and she’s a mess.”

He hung up before he could say anything stupid. Drank some more coffee sans the whiskey and waited for the hurricane that was about to pass over his life to come destroy him again.

He played his favorite song over the speaker of his phone and pretended he couldn’t recognize the voice.

_ “Well you only need the light when it’s burning low, only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know your lover when you let her go, and you let her go.” _

* * *

  
  


“I’m not his problem anymore.” Clarke said simply, leaning into the couch of Octavia’s living room, two coffees deep while Lincoln was cooking the girls breakfast. She’d already changed into a pair of Octavia’s pajama pants and discarded the TonDC sweatshirt somewhere in the bathroom because just thinking of it hurt, and replaced it with a tank top from one of Octavia’s drawers.

No matter how much time passed between their visits, it always felt like coming home exactly where they left off when it came to Octavia Blake. It felt like a platonic soulmate that she just could never shake, not that she’d ever wanted to. Octavia could move, Clarke could move, engagements, awards, living on opposites sides of the country, it never seemed to matter.

“You were never a problem, Clarke.” Octavia said with absolute confidence. She pointed at Lincoln who gave a wordless but assuring nod as he flipped the waffles. 

“Since I’ve got you nailed down for once, gold and teal or rose gold and silver. Wedding planning and I need to have a theme so I can pick dress colors. We need to nail down your dress first since you’re the busiest and Maid of Honor is kind of important.” Octavia smiled, motioning to the coffee table where all her wedding planning info was gathered in big piles. It was like someone dumped a pinterest board on their table.

“You never officially asked me to be Maid of Honor.” Clarke laughed, smiling genuinely. 

“Well I figured you needed something to be happy about while Bellamy gets his head out of his ass.” Octavia replied with a shrug.

“That’s not going to happen and I’m really sorry for making a mess of your family and well  _ our _ family.” Clarke sighed, looking into the bottom of her cup, wishing more coffee would magically appear. Or that the coffee would magically make her happy, that would also be a plus.

When Octavia started checking her phone, Clarke didn’t even notice.

_ Murphy: What's the plan? _

_ Octavia: Tie him down, beat some sense into him? He’s an idiot, fix it. That’s like your job description, right? _

_ Murphy: Fair point. _

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Bellamy didn’t come into this room very often anymore. He probably should have turned it into an office or something, but he never did. There was still so much stuff of hers in that room and it felt like a ghost haunting him. It was almost like she could step right back into her life if she wanted to. 

Stray pictures stay pinned to the wall, forgotten shirts and her bed still sat in the middle of the room with a fresh pair of sheets on it. 

Instead he sat on the floor with his back leaning against the bed, with a six-pack of shitty IPA’s to keep him company.

Murphy was standing in the doorway, watching him silently. It had been a while and neither spoke, as Bellamy wordlessly offered him a beer.

“I think I’m gonna ask Emori to marry me,” Murphy shrugged, taking a swig of his beer.

“She must be nuts if she can put up with you.” Bellamy joked, giving Murphy a small smile as he lifted his beer up slightly in congratulations. 

“She is, but it’s hot.” Murphy deadpanned, and then his smile cracked open over his face.

Bellamy laughed and looked around the room, leaving them back to their silence.

“Emori and I, uh, we were a mess. Fucking, fighting, the whole live fast die young phase,” Murphy started his story as he pried the beer cap open with a lighter, “Breakup, make up, and repeat. One time she really left me and I was a wreck.”

Bellamy’s eyebrow went up in surprise. He hadn’t talked to Murphy like this in a long time, talked much at all really. Last time he talked to Murphy this honestly, it was about how he was a cockroach that held onto life. It was weird seeing someone change so much. It was like seeing him again and meeting him all over again.

“I basically attached myself to a bottle and Clarke’s couch. She put me back together and I grew the hell up. Now I’ve got the good life and the girl. If it’s not too late for me, it sure as hell isn’t too late for you.” Murphy finished, taking a long drink from his beer leaving Bellamy to his thoughts.

“I’ve missed you, Murphy.” 

“I’ve missed you too. But this shit can’t keep going. Either grow up and be the man she deserves or let her go properly and stop breaking her heart. She can’t keep doing this man, I’ve barely held her together with you gone.” He explained, scratching the back of his neck out of stress. 

Bellamy didn’t know what to say anymore. Some voices screamed for him to do it, and others yelled for him to run as far from Clarke Griffin as he could. Protect her from himself.

“Abby said I’ll always break her. Maybe she’s right and I just need to pull out and forget her. I tried to, but she’s always in my head.”

Murphy laughed and looked around Clarke’s old bedroom, “Yeah I can see why she is always in your head.”

“I’m not good for her, I’m not enough man.” Bellamy admitted, dropping his head back against the bed with a thump. 

Murphy laughed sardonically, “Don’t you get it by now, it doesn’t matter if you’re the worst person on the planet. You’re it for her.”

They sat in silence for what felt like hours. The memories felt more like a comfort than a ghost haunting him, for the first time in a long time.

“I’ve loved her so long that it’s pretty creepy,” Bellamy laughed quietly.

“She’s loved you longer, I think that might be weirder.” Murphy shrugged, and it felt like things were almost okay. Not really, but for the moment he could breathe. As long as he could breathe, there was a chance and a reason to try. 


End file.
